(Another) Bullet Point Update

April 17, 2014 § Leave a comment

  • Got rejected from Teach for America
  • Interviewed with an employment agency
  • Spoke with a local gallery/art center about future volunteer opportunities, which I’m excited about
  • Met my new shrink who added Wellbutrin to my growing list of antidepressants and medications; three antidepressants will be enough, right?
  • Bought a book on Kindle called Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst (an international bestseller!) to try to develop my interpersonal skills
  • Googled interview advice and the woman interviewing me in preparation for my interview tomorrow. reallllllly hoping I don’t fuck this one up. realllllly hope SOMEONE PLEASE GOD HIRE ME SERIOUSLY THIS IS GETTING SCARY/RIDICULOUS/HILARIOUS
  • Tried on pretty much everything in my closet trying to figure out what to wear to the interview
  • The trip to Peru is completely planned but we’re waiting to put deposits down until my job status is more defined (we might never go to Peru…)
  • Missed Mark more, because that’s helpful and productive [sarcasm]. why, as a depressive, do I so constantly focus on the negative yet when it comes to Mark, I can only see the positives of us being together, all the happy memories? stupid brain. stupid heart. stupid mess. 
  • Chipped my freshly-painted nails moving furniture around my apartment, still dissatisfied with the arrangement
  • Beyond thrilled that my dad fixed my car door so now I can actually use the driver’s side door
  • Went grocery shopping at Aldi because that’s how sad my budget for life has gotten
  • Loved my dogs
  • Loved my family
  • Loved Birmingham

Bullet Point Update

April 12, 2014 § Leave a comment

  • Interview with a museum next Friday (hope I don’t blow it this time! ::fingers crossed:: just lie, kiddo. lielielie. say only happy things.)
  • Completed the detailed budget for 15 day Peru trip and distributed it to fellow travelers
  • Wrote half of the detailed itinerary for Peru trip (and already 6 pages long!)
  • Went parasailing with my parents, had a blast, enjoyed perfect weather, and witnessed the curvature of the earth. Did not take a camera up. Naturally.
  • Bought a new (50% off) iPhone case as my belated birthday present to myself
  • I’ve got a pretty good tan, you know, for me
  • Can’t wait to reunite with my queen-size bed and 4 inch gel memory foam mattress pad
  • Looking forward to living life; happy to report not a single self-mutilating thought in 48 hours

 

Progress is progress.

Back on the Horse

April 10, 2014 § Leave a comment

I’M FINALLY FEELING BETTER.

I’m no longer sleeping 12+ hours a day, instead I’m back to my normal 8 hours a night.

I’ve renewed my job search and have applied to multiple full-time, part-time, and temp jobs. Money is money, am I right?

I’ve got an appointment with a new psychiatrist in Birmingham when I get back from Florida next week.

I’ve got some ideas on how to mend bridges with the art museum in Birmingham and certain steps have already been taken in the right direction.

My health insurance kicked in on the first so now I can take better care of myself and afford to do so.

Oh, and today I planned a two week trip to Peru in September for me, my parents, and my cousin. Why Peru? Two words: MACHU PICCHU. I want to see it before they totally restrict tourists from visiting, plus the entire trip will cost about the same as a single plane ticket to Europe so it’s a more financially-feasible trip at this point in my life. I’ve begun brushing up on my espanol which is actually not too terrible considering I haven’t studied it since high school. The trip will cost less than $2000 and we could do it as cheap as $1200 if we wanted (and we could go as early as May in that case!).

We would drive over to ATL, drop off the girls with my aunt and uncle (hah hah… maybe. or pay my bestie to watch them for the two weeks), then fly to Lima, Peru where we will hang out for a couple days adjusting to the altitude and taking in some of the city’s sights before taking a short flight (but expensive at $345 for a mere 1.20 hr trip) or a FUN and EXCITING (and much cheaper) combination of buses down to Cusco. We could do a direct bus trip from point A to point B, but I think if we’re going to go bus, we gotta go the crazy-multi-city-zig-zag way.

We’ll see some sights (mainly the museums in my case) in Cusco for a couple days before beginning the four day trek to Machu Picchu. We have two options: we can do a self-guided tour for free, which means we can go whenever we feel like it but have to bring our full camping gear, or we can do a guided tour in September (their earliest availability) for $420/person. They provide camping gear, food/drinks, and people to carry it, plus they provide transportation to and from Machu Picchu from Cusco, but that seems like a lot of dollars for a mere camping trip. I ordered a self-guided tour book for the ancient site, so we’ll see if that provides more info on whether we should fork out the cash for the guided tour and go later in the year.

After our Machu Picchu trek, we’ll take a day of rest before a full-day private tour of the Sacred Valley of the Incas. Then we’ll take an overnight bus to the Colca Canyon, twice as deep as the Grand Canyon. Once off the bus, we’ll hike down into the canyon and spend the night at one of the hostels on the canyon floor. Unlike the Grand Canyon, the Colca Canyon floor is livable, lush and green. Depending on how much time we want to spend here, there are a number of different trails we could take to get down there and back up. There are a lot of things to see, from Inca mummies and tombs to native villages and Lake Murcurca, so we’ll probably need to discuss in a bit more detail which specific hike we want to do and what we need to pack to prepare for it (one of them requires camping equipment because it takes you to remote areas of the canyon, but if we’re bringing camping equipment anyway for a self-guided tour of Machu Picchu, we might as well do the longer, more remote canyon route!).

Last on our list of sights to see is Manu National Park. I’m going to have to call a travel agency or something to figure out how the hell we’re supposed to get there and what it’s going to cost. It’s only accessible by boat and you can only go with a guided tour group (apparently pumas and jaguars will eat you so they don’t even let you go off on marked trails alone). We would likely stay overnight and then head back to Lima (likely do plane-plane rather than boat-bus-bus-bus-bus due to fatigue at the end of the trip) to go home to the States.

I’ve definitely got to get some new hiking shoes (my boots are sturdy enough for easy hiking around Birmingham but they’re really old and starting to fall apart) and a more solid pair of sandals (good thing REI has great sales!). If we choose to do a more urban, non-camping style trip, I need to get a new pack, but if we go the camping route, my backpacking pack should do just fine (though I’m irritated I’ll have to check it at the airport). Besides some vaccinations, extra memory cards for my camera, and a solid stock of toilet paper, I’m pretty much ready to go as far as travel supplies goes.

Affordable trip. Going with family. Not too much time away from my girls/job/indoor toilet. Sounds like a pretty damn good compromise to satisfy my wanderlust without costing an arm, a leg, and everything in the kitchen sink (is that the phrase?).

In the meantime, I’ll focus on getting a job or doing whatever I have to (temping, volunteer, internships) to get my foot in the door enough to secure a full-time, permanent, paid position by the end of the year.

Money is money. In the meantime, I’m dreaming of the Incas.

Genocide

April 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

I woke up thinking about genocide. It’s not that genocide comes up particularly often in my brain, but I was watching Titanic before bed, which I think injected a sense of tragedy and human error into my subconscious. 

Titanic wasn’t a tragedy on the scale of the Holocaust by any means, but in a way, genocide was similarly committed. Committed against poor people rather than Jews. There’s a lot I don’t understand about human nature. When I get really angry with someone, I am angry with them because they specifically harmed me, whether directly or by harming someone I love. I don’t hate a group of people for some historical harm or for some perceived character flaw. 

How could anyone look at a group of desperate passengers and lock the gates in front of them, locking them into a death by drowning, all because they were poor? Because their financial state somehow implied that they weren’t worth saving? Where does that cruel sense of survival come from? How do we reconcile that with the sense of selflessness that we so revere in our heroes, both fictional and historical?

To be fair, locking so many passengers below may have saved lives by preventing a total frenzy on the decks and for the life boats. But how could a person do that? How could someone look at those faces, wide-eyed and filled with fear, and close steel bars in front of them, ignore their desperate pleas for a chance at survival or for their children to be spared. I may be a lot of things, but nowhere in my nature do I feel something that would lend me to act that way. 

So thinking about those people who died on the Titanic, who in my mind were murdered, led me to think about last days, last sunsets, last breaths of air. And I woke up picturing mountains of human bones, shoes, clothes. Remains of souls piled sky high. How could anyone see that and participate in it? How could anyone stand by without whirling into a furious protest? How could anyone not cry out for the loss–the rape–of humanity? 

The Holocaust seems too big to imagine most days. So many lives destroyed. I cannot and will not ever understand the rationale of Hitler. Piles of bones. People so starved they look like skeletons. Where is your humanity? How can you feel human suffering and still do that to another person? An innocent person? If you don’t know the name of the person you are killing, you have no right to even consider killing them. 

Hitler was a lunatic. He was insane. He was deranged. That I can understand. Some people are born broken. But how did he grow armies of human beings to commit the atrocities he commanded? What happened to the German people to make them go along with that, to forget or ignore or deny their own humanity, their own connection to their species? We are a violent animal, no doubt, but we also have an extraordinary sense of community, of sympathy, to our similars. How did Hitler inspire people to become such extreme echos of Man? Such weapons of fratricide. 

Even the heroes of World War II, the soldiers who rushed in to free the Jews and save our race, lost their humanity much like the followers of Hitler. They starved the surviving Germans and raped the women and children who were trapped within their own nation, their own home. Like the murdered victims of the Titanic, these people were locked in, tortured, beaten, and killed but with no more blame than the Jews had when they became victims of genocide. The heroes were just as violent, just as inhumane, as the soldiers of Hitler. 

What kind of world does that leave us? How do we witness a violent stripping of humanity, a ripping apart of our collective soul, and go on? How can we live with ourselves knowing the dangers of our nature, seeing the evidence of the violence and cruelty within? 

The people who were rescued from genocide during World War II did not turn into monsters. They continued to embrace humanity, compassion, and reason. How is that possible? Where is that inner strength within myself? Where was that inner strength when Hitler rose to power and when Hitler was defeated? 

Coincidentally, NPR had a relevant story this morning: 

http://www.npr.org/2014/04/04/299054435/finding-peace-after-genocide

Forgiveness. 

Such an alien notion to me, as I have so little ability in my heart to forgive anyone of anything. I certainly can’t forgive myself, no matter how often I rationalize behaviors and see the reasoning in the mistakes. 

How does forgiveness overcome revenge, violence, rage? What is the source of forgiveness within human hearts? How can such a selfless notion exist among our many selfish, narcissistic, and chaotic impulses and motivations?

Forgiveness. Perhaps the only saving grace for our tragic histories, our souls lost in the black.

Truly, we are fascinating creatures. 

Relapse

April 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

Still haven’t recovered from my episode last week. Continuing to have suicidal, self-mutilating, and self-destructive thoughts. Will be staying with my parents until I’m able to be on my own again.

 

 

Mother elephant lays down to comfort baby elephant who cannot yet stand.

Da fuq?

April 3, 2014 § Leave a comment

Da fuq?

April 2, 2014 § 1 Comment

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

Stay strong and carry on.

Fight for life. Fight for life.

 

 

 

 

 

I am sick and tired of being strong. I’m sick and tired of fighting for life. When do I get to rest? When will I catch a break?

How can someone like me deserve the love that people have given me, continue to give me?

And how can I even think of betraying them by giving up, giving in, disappearing.

I must be a terrible, selfish person.

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