Take It All

December 13, 2011 § Leave a comment

Didn’t I give it all?
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less,
Didn’t I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too use to
Having me around,
Still, how can you walk away,
From all my tears?
It’s gonna be an empty road,
Without me right here,

But go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don’t look back,
At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love,

So is it over?
Is this really it?
You’re giving up so easily,
I thought you loved me more than this,

Don’t look back,
At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love.

 

My mom recently told me she feels like I’ve shut down, that I don’t talk to her like I used to. At the time I thought I was just trying to be mature, and I do think that’s still part of it. Internalizing things, maintaining some kind of private life instead of publicizing my every thought and ache. I think it’s a good thing, overall, to keep some things to yourself, things that are too hard to explain to someone on the outside or things that you can’t even understand yourself. Keep it quiet, keep it internalized, figure it out yourself.

I’ve realized that that’s not all of it. I think I’ve shut down because I have to, to hold myself together. If you open up about one thing, a crack forms in your shell, and it’s just a matter of time before the whole thing shatters and your heart spills out on the floor. I don’t have time for that. I don’t have patience for that. I don’t want to be that. So my shell is staying up, staying solid. What churns beneath my surface is my problem to fix, my mess to sort out. I’ll keep it together. I have to keep it together.

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