well, shit.

February 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

things are almost 100% in the shitter.

1. I was turned down for another fellowship, the last major funding package I applied for. so I’ve applied for student loans for summer courses seeing as I will now be going down to part-time at school and full-time at work. or will I be? I’m actually considering just leaving the program. I’ve gotten the top grades in my class, I’m the only one who is committed to getting a PhD, and I’m clearly a valuable student to the university. so why am I not getting funding. that’s exactly what I’m going to talk to our dean about (the dean of the department, coincidentally named dean) next week. if they don’t give me some serious financial aid, I’m leaving the program. a measly Master’s degree from GW just isn’t worth the $45,000.00 worth of student loans I would have. if I leave now, I’ll just have $15,000. which sucks, but at least is manageable.

2. I’m looking for a new job because my boss has burned the bridge between us.

3. alec and I are splitting up in four months.

so I pretty much don’t have any kind of stability in my life right now. literally everything I have (school, work, relationship) is going in the toilet. it’s shocking really. I feel like I’m in shock. numb. disbelief. hopelessness. worthlessness. depression. FUCKING.AWESOME.

the bright side is that I can do whatever I want now and it won’t affect anything. I can move back home. I can move to california. who the fuck cares. my biggest concern is that I won’t get into a PhD program because I’m leaving my Master’s program halfway through. that’s unfortunate. but what else can I do. it just feels unreal, watching everything I’ve worked for totally fall to shambles. yeah, I’m certainly “to blame” for putting everything in the toilet, but a person can only work so hard before they realize they’re not at all getting what they want out of it.

I deserve to be recognized and supported by GW. I’m an excellent student. My professors all appreciate how active I am during class. I have made a huge effort (pretty much single-handedly) to improve the student gallery. I deserve to be funded.

I deserve to be recognized and supported at work. I bust my ass all the time and get ZERO recognition or thanks for it. I don’t think my boss/coworkers have any idea how much other shit I have to do outside of the office and how much I sacrifice by coming to work every day. I bust my ass and my boss rewards me by telling me I’m “unprofessional and have a bad attitude,” which is not only hypocritical considering how she acts in the office, but totally disregards me as a person and employee since she didn’t care at all why I had a “bad attitude” at work. I’m so done. so. done.

as for alec and I… he’s had more than enough time to fix things. he hasn’t. I’ve been totally honest, direct, and timely. what more can I do. I’m unsatisfied, and while that doesn’t mean I’m unhappy all the time (because I’m not!), it doesn’t mean that I should stay in a relationship either. it’s going to be exceptionally painful to have to live without him emotionally, and it’ll be somewhat painful too to live without him financially.

I deserve to be happy, don’t I? I deserve to get what I want, don’t I? especially when I’ve worked so hard for it?

I just feel heartbroken. and furious. really fucking furious.

depressed. feeling worthless. just wait for those PhD rejection letters.


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