Done Deal

February 24, 2012 § Leave a comment

So it’s pretty much a done deal: I’m withdrawing from grad school at GW, quitting my job, and moving back home to live in a cottage next to my parent’s house in Alabama.

I don’t feel that bad about withdrawing from grad school, surprisingly. I feel a lot better about not having $50,000 in debt, that’s for sure. And almost everyone I’ve talked to seem confident that leaving a Master’s program early won’t affect my application for PhD programs, especially since I’m leaving for financial reasons and not for academic reasons (cause let’s face it — I rocked grad school hard core).

My biggest concern is that I won’t learn enough of German and French to really improve my application. I’m planning on taking an Intro to French class at Alliance Francaise and a Scholarly Reading in German class at the Goethe Institut here in DC before I move home at the end of June. Hopefully I can complete the classes in May and June, but they haven’t released the summer schedules yet so I can’t confirm. The courses are pretty cheap too, less than $400 each, so I’ll actually be able to afford that!

Theoretically, I’m supposed to be getting a raise in April (? supposedly? we didn’t get an inflation raise at the start of the new year and I’m actually making less money now than I was making last year because of tax increases, so I’m hoping I’ll get a raise on my one-year anniversary with the company… cause damn) so hopefully that’ll help a bit. I’d like to beef up my savings account a bit more and pay off my credit card (as much as possible……) before I move home. The biggest issue is the $700 moving van. dunno what to do about that. And I need to buy a new bed either in DC or immediately when I get to Alabama.

So that’s all done and settled. My mom is *super* excited about me coming home, a lot more excited than I was expecting. I think Dad will be happy to have me around. I feel bad because whenever we’ve talked in the last few years (……since I got to college basically, so like 6 years?) all I do is complain. Hopefully we can change that since we’ll be seeing each other more often. Also, I’m going to try to get the fam to teach me to cook! Since I’m clearly incapable. So it’s all coming together…

The complication is Alec, I guess. He mentioned yesterday that he’s thinking about moving home too, which is exactly what I didn’t want for him. He’s got so much potential that he’s finally realizing, being out of the house and away from his friends and working at a great job. He could do so much more, and I’m worried that moving home would just put him back. He needs to learn to stand on his own feet, take care of himself on his own, and he’s not going to do that if he moves home. His friends don’t have jobs, his mom will probably let him just move in with her again, he’ll just settle back into his old ways. He’ll lose his ambition. I thought me leaving him would be this huge opportunity for him to really figure out who he is as an adult, but him moving home won’t help him at all. I know he would be happier temporarily if he moved home, but I’m worried in the long-term he’ll regret it.

I was also hoping to have some serious space between us after the breakup. Both of us moving back to Alabama at the end of June just was not what I had in mind. But I guess what it’s forcing me to confront is if I really want to try to be friends with him post-breakup or not. He’s my best friend now, so it’s nearly unbearable to think about life without him, but how healthy is to keep things up between us? But I know the girls would like to see him on occasion, so if we were in the same state that would help. Cleo really loves him, they’re really cute together. And it would be good to see him. But I can’t really picture hanging out with Alec and not having things like they are now. That’s the problem with never having an official first date — we just kind of starting hanging out and then eventually started calling it dating. There wasn’t really a defining event that made us switch from friends to a couple, so it’s confusing trying to think of him in a context different than what I know him in. Whatever. Add this to shit I don’t need to be thinking about right now. My mantra needs to be “PhD, PhD, PhD.”

Leaving DC is going to be reallllllly painful. I love it so much here! And I cringe whenever I think of Alabama. Damn me and my liberal mentality. But DC also has far more opportunities for well, ANYTHING, in comparison to Alabama. Just trying to find places to take language courses in Alabama was a challenge. There’s no interesting food there, no arts scene worth noting, certainly no Rembrandts to go visit, and no nearby cities for a minibreak (besides Atlanta). But all those things would just be distractions anyway, right? Distracting me from my studies and my commitment to PhD PhD PhD. I’m sure the total lack of internet on the mountain will help keep me on track as well.

Seeing my family will be great. I’ll make my visit home about family and studying. That’s it. And BBQ. And maybe I’ll start painting again. I really want to. No work. Still a terrifying thought…

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