When Your Heart is in Your Shoes

March 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ve been pretty depressed for the last couple days. It’s funny how it hits you so hard and seemingly so suddenly sometimes. I’m always surprised how my heart keeps on beating. Involuntary.

I did everything I was supposed to today, but I didn’t manage to convince my professor that I was 100% there today in class. Ah well. I talk a lot during her classes, so I think it’s okay for me to mentally check out on rare occasions.

Made it through work, but I have to start going in early now and staying late on Tuesday to correct an hours imbalance. Apparently our HR woman made a math error so I’ve been working less than I’m getting paid for, so I could either keep my current hours and take a pay cut (which I wouldn’t survive) or I could add on the extra hours somewhere, somehow. So I’m going to try and go in earlier. We’ve got performance reviews this week and I’m 100% not at all excited.

People won’t let me lie but they get upset when I tell the truth. It’s really unfair to me and totally obnoxious. “How was your weekend?” “Awesome!” “Gee, that was insincere.” What the hell am I supposed to say? Well, I got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday to take my cat to the vet because she’s sick and I got very little sleep that night because I was worried my 14 yr old cat was getting ready to kick the bucket. Then I got in a one-sided fight with my boyfriend who couldn’t care less about anything, and I got such a bad migraine from being so pissed off and sleeping so poorly that I couldn’t get anything done on Sunday. Sunday night I was so pissed off at my boyfriend that I kicked him out of the bedroom and now he’s sleeping on the floor in the living room because our couch is too small to sleep on. MY WEEKEND WAS FUCKING AWESOME.

And then people get mad at me when I’m honest. “How is school going?” “Great.” “How is it really?” “Well everyone in my class is an idiot. They say the stupidest shit.” “Ugh, Alexa, you’re so judgmental.” -_- THEN DON’T FUCKING ASK ME.

If I could just stay home this week instead of forcing myself to participate in life while I’m suffering from a particularly painful bout of depression, then the least people could do is not press me when they know I’m not being honest and when they know I don’t want to talk about it. What the hell else am I supposed to say? There’s no way to win with people.

My weekend was great. “You’re being disingenuous.”

My weekend was horrible. “Omg, stop complaining.”

My weekend was fine. “But how was it *really*?”

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Or at least don’t give me a hard time when you press me to give an honest answer.

Sure wish I had someone to talk to. But really sometimes depression is just depression. Yeah, things are kind of fucked up right now at home, work, and school… but it’s hard to explain why I’m just never happy. Usually when I seem happy it’s because I’m temporarily distracted so I don’t feel the pain in my chest as much. Doesn’t make me much fun to be around when I can’t keep up the charade. But I’m not much fun to be around, anyway, am I? I just wish my heartbreak would stop long enough for me to not dig myself a deeper hole everywhere I go.

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