I’m Still Here

April 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

It’s been awhile, but I’m still here. In the world, I mean. I’ve spent the last 7 days in Alabama, trying to support my family while we suffer through the loss of my great grandmother. It’s been weird, to say the least. My great gran was in the hospital for a week leading up to a stomach surgery, then she was in ICU for a month following the surgery, totally reliant on machines to keep her breathing, eating, etc. I don’t want to get too much into details, but let’s just say that everyone in the family was dealing in their own special way and that some people were dealing much much better than others. Anyway, it’s been stressful, confusing, frustrating. My dad’s entire side of the family all lives up on my grandmother’s property, so they were already in an adjustment period when my great gran went into the hospital. It’s just been really hard on everyone, having everyone together and dealing with the new living situation, then having to deal with the increasingly clear fact that Great Gran would not be coming home. Of course, to make things more exciting on my end, my birthday came and went while I was here in Alabama, mostly (and perhaps thankfully) ignored by the rest of the family for the most part. I dropped my iPhone and the back shattered, I ran into a guy I had a crush on ten years ago at the Apple store getting a case to try and hold my phone together until I can afford to buy a replacement, and I had a wonderful evening catching up with another old friend of mine, who I stay in touch with as best I can and who I will be hanging out with a lot once I move home.

It’s just been really hard, being home in general. I wish I could be home to help build the cottage I’ll be living in, but that’s not possible. I’ll just have to get used to eating food I didn’t buy and living under a roof I didn’t pay for. I think for the most part, I might end up hiding in the cottage most of the time I’m home. I don’t have the………… patience for the shit my parents put up with “on the mountain” (what we call the family compound). If people do something wrong or stupid, I tend to point it out, at least if it affects me or other family members. And a lot of people do stupid shit on the mountain, so I imagine I will have a hard time playing nice. It’s not my fault they react so strongly when you say something that could possibly be construed as maybe a little teeny bit negative. It’s absurd. GROW UP. GET A JOB. STOP MAKING BAD DECISIONS. jesus. But I think I’ll feel better when I have my own space where I can have my own stuff, my own animals, my own food. And maybe a bottle of vodka.

Another weird thing… yesterday I went by my old high school. Totally bizarre experience. Not sure if you know, but I went to a very special school: the Alabama School of Fine Arts. I won’t get into it too much right now, but I will say that this school gave me a truly amazing education (it would have been even better had I not been such a lazy student). It was trippy to go back, to see the space again 6 years later. Some things were totally different, but some things, like the art studios, were exactly the same. I talked with my old art teachers and made promises to come back and visit more often once I move back. I left feeling a strange elation.

It’s been a weird week. I’m struggling in a Starbucks to write a 16 page rough draft that’s due today at 3pm Eastern time. All my books and things are at home, of course, because I didn’t pack thinking I would spend a full week in Alabama. Plus it’s just so hard to concentrate, knowing tomorrow is the funeral. It’s definitely refreshing to be off the mountain, alone (with strangers), and with speedy internet at my finger tips. But I still don’t feel like I can concentrate to write this paper. April is such a crazy month at school, lots of presentations and rough drafts due, then we have the first week of May off, then all our final papers are due. But people don’t normally choose when to die, so I just have to try and grind through this all. 2012 has been pretty shite so far. I was home in January to attend the funeral events for Alec’s grandma. Now I’m home again for another funeral. Doesn’t bode too well, does it? The year of change. I hope by the time I officially move home, things will be better, more settled, less tense. I need to take one thing at a time, stop worrying about the move so much since I still have the school semester to finish up, my state taxes to figure out, going back to full-time at work to deal with, and oh yeah, my breakup. I’ve got a full plate and it makes more sense to focus on one thing at a time, instead of trying to prepare for everything at once.

So, to do:

1. Fuck this paper. I need to prepare for the funeral events tomorrow.

2. Fly home on Sunday.

3. File Maryland State taxes.

4. Try to get back into the groove of school.

A. readings for class Monday, Wednesday, Thursday.

B. finish this rough draft that I’ve almost started

C. write the paper for my Asian class that I was supposed to turn in two weeks ago

D. get ready for presentation in two weeks

5. finish up school with the most flying colors I can muster after all this funeral/death/family stuff.

6. go back to full-time at work.

7. save money. save money. save money.

8. say goodbye to the  museums, the Mall, my favorite neighborhoods and restaurants.

9. start packing.

10. move home. buy furniture to fill the cottage *after* I get home. it’s a small space, so it’s too hard to try and plan ahead for what may or may not fit in it.

There. That’s my game plan. One thing at a fucking time. Oh yeah, and I have Classroom 102 stuff in there somewhere as well. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. I need a clone. That rough draft really needs to be my first priority, but I really need another week or so to get it done, but then my presentation follows closely. Erghs. I don’t know. I just can’t do it while I’m home and I’ll have an adjustment period when I get home after being gone for so long and being so far behind in school. TIme to start picking up the pieces, eh?

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