June 25, 2012 § Leave a comment
Things are tough right now. The apartment is packed. We’re getting up bright and early to move alec out tomorrow. We had dinner tonight in Chinatown and walked down to the mall afterwards. We walked an extra block tonight when we took the dog out because, in alec’s words, “this is our last walk all of us together.” we’ve been pretty light with each other today, lots of laughing and friendly banter, but it’s disguising the knowledge we both have that this week is totally going to suck. This is our last night together and that’s a hard reality to face, to accept, to let ourselves feel. I keep gritting my teeth and going to the bathroom to slap my face to keep from crying. Crying can and, undoubtedly and unfortunately, will come later. Right now I need to keep my shit together. We’ve got a lot to do in the next 48 hours and crying isn’t going to help anything. I know once things are over and done with, the grief will come in waves as grief always does. I’ll be around my family so I think they will understand. I told alec he can still email me if he wants, that I’m not cutting him out of my life completely. He’s my best friend. He has been for years. There’s no reason to totally sever our connection, though I expect we will naturally drift apart over time. We began the end of our life together today. It will all be over by Wednesday night. That’s a weird thing to come to terms with. I know these coming weeks will be very difficult for both of us, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. Doesn’t everyone.
June 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
the few people that know about the breakup (or any of my life changes this year) keep telling me encouraging things, one of which is “It wasn’t all a waste. You learned something from the experience.” but did I? I may simply be “too close to the picture,” so to speak, to see what all I’ve learned, but I have been chewing it over and I’ve come up with a few answers.
I used to think that I would die, somehow cease to exist as a human being, without alec. naive, overdramatic, overwhelmed. part of the past year has been a learning experience. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than that, much stronger, even if I’m not sure about myself. my core, deep down, I know that leaving him is right. I deserve better. he’s a great guy, but I deserve someone better, someone who is more like me, has more fire and passion and motivation. someone who will meet me halfway without me having to drag him there. I deserve an equal partner and part of growing up is realizing that I deserve better. going with my gut and realizing I can trust myself is definitely something I’ve learned since I moved to DC.
I feel like there are two very different sides to me. not in a freaky bipolar or schizophrenic kind of way, but in a ying/yang kind of way maybe. one side is totally sure, totally rational. with that side of me, I can make big decisions fairly quickly, and while it feels like I’m just “following my gut,” I usually understand why I’m making those decisions and what will come from them. totally unwavering — I make a decision and I follow through. no second-guessing.
the other side, though, is the opposite. super-emotional, constantly second-guessing, totally absorbed in self-doubt and insecurities. that side is really irritating, usually has bad timing, and tends to sneak up on me when I’m alone, especially if I’m driving. somehow driving = crying for me. it’s really inconvenient. crying never changed anything.
maybe everyone has two opposing sides like this, I don’t know. all I know is I wish I could pick one side or the other since they’re so often in conflict. my rational side is definitely stronger than my emotional side, but my emotional side can make life pretty uncomfortable sometimes. I know my emotional side makes life worth living though, so I guess it’s all a wash in the end.
I guess one of my bigger fears is that my over-sensitive side will overrun my life and I’ll become one of those flaky, wishy-washy, indecisive little girls who relies on everyone else to tell her what to do. I ask for advice a lot, but 9 times out of 10 I already know what I’m going to do and I just ask people for a reality check, to make sure I’m doing the best thing, that I’ve covered all my bases. sometimes talking my thoughts out is helpful too, because sometimes I know deep down what the right decision is but it takes a little tugging to pull it up so I can verbalize it clearly. over time I’ve become more and more confidence in myself, in my decision-making, but also in trusting that I will never become totally overwhelmed by my emotional side. I will never be one of “those” girls and that’s really helped me sleep at night. my biggest hurdle I guess I was moving to DC. I’m incredibly proud of how well I did here. I know now that I can move anywhere I want and I’ll make it work. there’s no doubt in my mind anymore, even if my emotional side sometimes likes to dwell too long on some doubts. deep down, I know without a doubt that I’ll be fine.
I’m not a big fan of kelly clarkson’s new album, but her hit “Stronger” has been my theme song of late. what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger and it definitely makes you smarter. I’ve learned a lot, in my long and doomed relationship with alec, but also in the last two years in DC.
I’m learning a bit quicker these days and I’m definitely putting myself first from here on out.
June 7, 2012 § Leave a comment
The trick to being a successful adult is having always having a plan, even when things change, you should always have a back-up plan to keep you going until you can make a new plan.
Part of my growing up process has been about changing my plans when things don’t go the way I planned them to go. The life I was planning to have is no longer in the cards so I need a new plan, full of new goals that will help realize a new future.
SO, goals. I need goals. Monthly goals to get me to 2013. I can’t believe 2012 is already halfway over. When did that happen? Time flies.
– June – I need to pack everything up, get organized, and prep for the move. I need to find more boxes and decide what things I really need, what I can donate, trash, and put in storage. it’s a frustrating time right now because there are a lot of things I can’t pack up until the last minute. rerghs! I’m also trying to get at least one more temp assignment so I can have some moneys in the bank before I go back.
– July – July is all about settling in. Getting unpacked, getting the girls acquainted with the new place, getting used to being around my family every day. I’m not totally sure what I’ll be doing in July, to be honest. I’m trying to leave it open since I’m having a hard time predicting how well I’ll acclimate to living at home, with my family, in alabama. I’ve got a lot of DIY projects to keep busy with as well.
– August – Get a job! Just a part-time job, though. Keeping it simple. Not sure what kind of job yet (restaurant, office, other?) but just something to get me enough income to cover my phone bill and my personal expenses that I’m not comfortable letting my parents pay for. Ideally, I’d like to let them only pay for my groceries and my part of the utility bills. They have some kind of system worked out up on the mountain for utilities that I don’t understand, so I figured it would be best if I just don’t get involved. I’d like to pay for everything else though, like gas and going out to eat and the occasional pair of shoes. In addition to the job search, I’ll be starting GRE tutoring with dad and French tutoring with someone from UAB.
– September – Work. Study. Paint. Read. Start doing research on PhD programs and professors.
– October – Work. Study. Paint. Read. Road trip! Chase and I are planning a roadtrip to the northeast to do campus visits, prospective student interviews, and sit in on some classes. That’s what I’ll be doing anyway. Guess he’s along for the ride? He’s thinking about med school programs, so maybe it’ll be a good opportunity for him to see what’s out there and dream big. I know he can do better than UAB — the kid is just incredibly smart — so I’m hoping he’ll see something he likes up north.
– November – time to take the GRE! again. This will the last time I take that damn test and I better score higher than 10% percentile. I need to be in the top 2%. It’s so idiotic, all this stress and prep over a number that will simply be checked off a list, but I need my application to be the absolute best it can be. This is the last time I’m applying to PhD programs. If I don’t get in this time, I’m done. No mas.
– December – PhD Applications.
– 2013 – January through April – waiting. waiting. waiting. in totally anxious, sweaty-palm, hyperventilating waiting. will probably be the most uncomfortable months of my life (even worse than the last time I applied to PhD programs and got rejected from everywhere I applied. those were good times). but things could always get worse if I don’t get in anywhere this time either! not to worry — I’m much better prepared this time. I am older and wiser and have a much stronger resume. but those months will still suck. terribly.
So there it is — my plan. My plan for what to do when nothing goes to plan. We’ll see how it goes. It’s going to be a scary year.