Learning from Life
June 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
the few people that know about the breakup (or any of my life changes this year) keep telling me encouraging things, one of which is “It wasn’t all a waste. You learned something from the experience.” but did I? I may simply be “too close to the picture,” so to speak, to see what all I’ve learned, but I have been chewing it over and I’ve come up with a few answers.
I used to think that I would die, somehow cease to exist as a human being, without alec. naive, overdramatic, overwhelmed. part of the past year has been a learning experience. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than that, much stronger, even if I’m not sure about myself. my core, deep down, I know that leaving him is right. I deserve better. he’s a great guy, but I deserve someone better, someone who is more like me, has more fire and passion and motivation. someone who will meet me halfway without me having to drag him there. I deserve an equal partner and part of growing up is realizing that I deserve better. going with my gut and realizing I can trust myself is definitely something I’ve learned since I moved to DC.
I feel like there are two very different sides to me. not in a freaky bipolar or schizophrenic kind of way, but in a ying/yang kind of way maybe. one side is totally sure, totally rational. with that side of me, I can make big decisions fairly quickly, and while it feels like I’m just “following my gut,” I usually understand why I’m making those decisions and what will come from them. totally unwavering — I make a decision and I follow through. no second-guessing.
the other side, though, is the opposite. super-emotional, constantly second-guessing, totally absorbed in self-doubt and insecurities. that side is really irritating, usually has bad timing, and tends to sneak up on me when I’m alone, especially if I’m driving. somehow driving = crying for me. it’s really inconvenient. crying never changed anything.
maybe everyone has two opposing sides like this, I don’t know. all I know is I wish I could pick one side or the other since they’re so often in conflict. my rational side is definitely stronger than my emotional side, but my emotional side can make life pretty uncomfortable sometimes. I know my emotional side makes life worth living though, so I guess it’s all a wash in the end.
I guess one of my bigger fears is that my over-sensitive side will overrun my life and I’ll become one of those flaky, wishy-washy, indecisive little girls who relies on everyone else to tell her what to do. I ask for advice a lot, but 9 times out of 10 I already know what I’m going to do and I just ask people for a reality check, to make sure I’m doing the best thing, that I’ve covered all my bases. sometimes talking my thoughts out is helpful too, because sometimes I know deep down what the right decision is but it takes a little tugging to pull it up so I can verbalize it clearly. over time I’ve become more and more confidence in myself, in my decision-making, but also in trusting that I will never become totally overwhelmed by my emotional side. I will never be one of “those” girls and that’s really helped me sleep at night. my biggest hurdle I guess I was moving to DC. I’m incredibly proud of how well I did here. I know now that I can move anywhere I want and I’ll make it work. there’s no doubt in my mind anymore, even if my emotional side sometimes likes to dwell too long on some doubts. deep down, I know without a doubt that I’ll be fine.
I’m not a big fan of kelly clarkson’s new album, but her hit “Stronger” has been my theme song of late. what doesn’t kill you can make you stronger and it definitely makes you smarter. I’ve learned a lot, in my long and doomed relationship with alec, but also in the last two years in DC.
I’m learning a bit quicker these days and I’m definitely putting myself first from here on out.