September 17, 2012 § 2 Comments
After rereading my last blog entry, I’ve realized how much has changed since then. It’s crazy to think about the roller coaster my life has been in the last few months (really this whole year…). The guy I referred to in the previous post went back to his sweet little girlfriend, so I’m no longer with him, not that I ever really was. I understand why he did it, but I don’t respect him for it. I can be a real handful, I admit it. I’m unpredictable, demanding, and I have a generally volatile (the positive spin would be “dynamic”) personality. Plus I’m just as broken as he is, so I understand why he would choose a happy, normal person over me. Anyway, I’ve moved on and been testing the waters with a few other guys, but no real interest has been piqued on my end (I’m trying to shut them down nicely, but you know me…). I don’t expect to be interested anytime soon. People seem not to believe that I can be so emotionally disconnected in regards to sex, but I think that just reflects the general double-standard that perpetuates the notion that men are be purely physical (no emotional connection during sex) and woman are purely emotional (no sex without emotional connection). Or perhaps I’m just the living exception to an actual, factual rule? Doubtful.
I’ve also moved into town, which has been a huge lifestyle change. My apartment is small, but I’ve grown to love it, even though it’s kind of old and ghetto. I’m surprised by how little space I need. It’s also been a huge relief to be a mere 10 minutes or less from wherever I want to be (my family’s house excluded). Driving in Birmingham is really easy and getting to work and school is a fast commute. I had some trouble adjusting to living alone, but I think I’m mostly fine now. It’s just been awhile. But I love it now.
I’m looking for a second job, though. The museum is great, but I can only work part-time and I’m barely making enough money to get by. I’ve applied for two other positions, but haven’t heard back yet. I’m still scrambling to find my footing in school too, so I haven’t been pursuing any leads beyond the initial application.
I stopped talking to alec a couple weeks ago. It’s been tough. The few times I let myself think about him, I feel worried and guilty. He’s up in DC because I made him move there and then I left him so now he’s all alone. He doesn’t have many friends up there, and he’s so passive as it is, it’s hard for him to really make new friends. He’s living alone for the first time in his life, so that’s a big life adjustment as well, and I hate thinking about him going through it alone. It’s easier for me not talking to him, though. I miss him, but I can’t keep torturing myself. I know I did the right thing for myself. I know I did what I had to do. I know I hurt us both, but it had to be done, it was long overdue. I thought we could be friends, but there’s just too much history there, too many unresolved emotions. I invested so much and gave it all up. I don’t need a daily reminder of that.
I had a pretty bad depressive episode last night. I try to keep my emotions fairly under control. I don’t see much point in wallowing in how I totally trashed my life and moved to Alabama to try and start over. Crying won’t change anything. Screaming won’t change anything. Pulling out my hair won’t change anything. I did the right thing in all aspects, in all the things I quit. I did the right thing and mourning the loss shouldn’t be a part of my life. I can’t give in to those emotions. I try my best to always look to the future, always strive to the next thing or the next goal. Keep moving forward as best I can, even if it feels like I’m pushing against a brick wall.
Thankfully, I did not kill myself last night (Go team!) but I didn’t wake up this morning feeling much better. Usually I get really upset, go to sleep, and wake up back to my normal, forward-thinking, active and productive self. Today I woke up and could barely drag myself out of bed. I got to work and laid my head on my desk for 30 minutes. I’m back to normal now, which is great because I have other shit to do than lay around crying and staring at the ceiling. Once my mind cleared and I felt like I could breath again, I started thinking about the last time I had a similarly extreme episode. The correlation is significant.
The last time I seriously thought about suicide was a few months after I moved to DC. I was working 7 days a week at two pretty shitty jobs that didn’t pay well. We were living in a shitty basement apartment and I was starting to realize that all the problems alec and I had weren’t magically resolving themselves because we were now living together. I felt lost, overwhelmed, and utterly hopeless, full of self-doubt. I couldn’t figure out how to kill myself in the way I wanted to without alec finding me (didn’t want to scar him for life by finding his dead girlfriend), and eventually I broke through the episode and went back to normal leaving my body and alec’s heart unscathed. This time was similar not only because it was the thought of the terrible effect it would have on my family, but because the episode came on quite suddenly with no apparent trigger. Both episodes occurred seemingly out of the blue, and months after a major life upheaval complete with major disappointments. My first few months in DC were really rough. I moved there without a job or a place to live and had to really bust my ass to find my footing. Money was really tight, I ate through my savings and almost maxed out my credit card. Things were finally falling into place, but I didn’t really like the pieces though they made the whole puzzle possible. I was pretty miserable and I was thinking that the whole thing was a mistake, but when I asked myself what else I could have done, I didn’t come up with much. I made the best choice I could for myself when I decided to move to DC, just like moving back to Alabama really was the most logical option. Rationalizing those choices doesn’t take away the fact that they were incredibly difficult to make and that they took a serious emotional toll, whether I choose to acknowledge that or not.
I think it’s natural to be overwhelmed by emotion in the aftermath of all I’ve been through this year. and I know that my family loves me, so that keeps me holding on when things get as bad as they were last night. I have to cut myself some slack, too, not in my rare suicidal moments necessarily, but just in general. I’ve been through a lot and I tend to hit the ground running without taking time to address my emotional state after major life changes. I’m so busy trying to hold myself together, trying to prove that I’m not some weak little girl, that I’m capable and independent, that I compartmentalize every negative emotion and beat myself up the few times my emotions demand expression. I’ve felt so numb since I’ve been home, totally shut down to any kind of emotion besides anger for the most part. Anger motivates me to action which is probably why I don’t shut it off. Or maybe I just don’t shut it off because anger is the one emotion that doesn’t make me feel weak or vulnerable. I know I won’t always be shut off like this, I know that at some point in the future I’ll want to reconnect with people, let myself be emotionally vulnerable again. But not now. Right now I’m in selfish survival mode. I can’t afford not to be.