In the Mirror
November 14, 2012 § Leave a comment
I find myself lost in thought a lot lately, or in times of stress. I stare at myself in the mirror for long time periods, not because I’m a narcissist but because sometimes I imagine that the alexa in the mirror world has things figured out, has simpler decisions. That other girl knows what she’s doing, knows what she wants and how to get it. The alexa I am can’t make a single decision it seems. I feel caught between multiple choices everywhere I turn, and I feel pulled in multiple directions constantly. It could drive a person insane. What’s the term? Quartered. I think that’s it. One of the biggest reliefs when I broke up with alec was that I could finally make decisions for *me*. Everything I did was for my own happiness, but things have changed again, or maybe I was just kidding myself. Now I feel like everyone has a stake in what I do (not everyone, of course, but multiple people) and will be affected by my choices, so I have to consider all the people involved, all their wants or potential desires, all their hopes, all their disappointments. But these things aren’t exactly crystal clear either. Everyone has their hidden agendas, things unspoken. So really I’m playing this big guessing game at how people feel and how people will be affected by my choices, but really I might just be making a big gamble and losing everything because I guessed wrong. Or not losing everything, but missing out on things. Is this a half-drunken ramble? Perhaps. But I bet the girl in the mirror doesn’t have these kinds of dilemmas. The second half of 2012 was supposed to be all about me, my motto was supposed to be “not my problem.” But here I am. again. making choices based on how I assume other people feel.
I feel like an idiot.
Even worse, I feel frozen, paralyzed. Whenever I take a step in one direction, it negatively affects someone else. So I stand stationary, trying to do no harm but not really moving forward either. Of course, if I moved, then the girl on the other side, the girl in the mirror, the girl in the world where things are easier and simpler, the girl who doesn’t hurt people as she pursues her own happiness would disappear.