Reflection

November 20, 2012 § 1 Comment

Man, that girl in the mirror is looking ragged. Guess things aren’t going too well over there for her. She looks exhausted, at the end of her rope.

Getting out of bed this morning was incredibly difficult, suggesting that my own depression is worsening. Sunday nights seem to be the worst times, for some reason, and I usually go to bed thinking things will be better, but I wake up feeling the same or worse. It took me 30 minutes to force myself out of bed, to force myself to take care of my animals, to put clothes on, to try to put on a face that resembled something normal. You could crack a “case of the Mondays” joke if you want, but I won’t laugh.

It’s funny (in that odd way) how the little things going wrong push me over the edge, but when it’s a bigger thing that’s going wrong, I can shrug it off and somehow make the best of it. The truck broke down today and I missed class and a doctor’s appointment, but what can ya do, right? Sometimes shit happens. I had a nice dinner with my parents, so the day wasn’t a total waste. I didn’t do a single productive thing, though, beyond doing a GRE flashcard app for vocabulary words while I waited for my dad to come check out the truck. Now I’m too exhausted to do anything productive, and the days are really counting down now. I should have stayed home instead of going out. I should have sent the emails I need to send and written the applications I need to have done. I should have spent at least an hour studying for the GRE. I accomplished nothing today.

Priorities are tricky things. Family, friends, boyfriends, school, work, volunteering, personal time. The proper balance is hard to find and you can’t balance everything without sacrificing some things. School and my applications should come first before anything else right now, yet I keep putting them last. In a topsy-turvy world where the girl in the mirror is starting to look haggard, I suppose it only makes sense that my priorities are ass-backwards. People tell me that I focus too much on the future, that I’m missing the present. Futures don’t build themselves, people. I need to get my head in the game in a serious, urgent way. I need to stop dicking around and get my shit done. I need to stop sabotaging myself at every turn.

I sure wish the girl in the mirror could talk back.

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