Time Travel

December 5, 2012 § 5 Comments

So I’ve spent the last hour or so going back in time, rereading past blog entries [because I can’t concentrate to write the 30 min presentation I have to do tomorrow in class]. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed. In the summer, I was so brave. I was ready for a new life. I felt good about getting rid of the things in life that made me unhappy. I sounded confident and self-assured, like I knew good things were coming my way.

Reading the posts since I started school at UAB have been depressing [and they included one of my worst depressive episodes in over a year]. I just sound broken, lost, defeated. What the hell happened? How did I lose that other girl in such a short amount of time?

There was a brief time in August when I felt really good. I’d just gotten the job at the museum and I was starting classes at UAB. I had a good social life, I was dating someone I was excited about, and I moved to Southside. I can’t believe things went to shit so fast, that I became disillusioned with everything so quickly. I want that girl from May back, who was sure that things were going to get better and that people really could change. I had so much hope. Now I just feel more broken than ever. I feel like saying “fuck this, and this, and this” and peacing out. The “if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it” theory of life I temporarily embraced earlier this year really doesn’t work if you’re trying to build some kind of path for yourself. I’ve just been down so long, it seems like I’m putting myself through hell for no real reason, with my desired outcome too far out of reach to be realistic anymore.

What a disaster.

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§ 5 Responses to Time Travel

  • I hear you, and feel for you, as well.

  • Ian Hayes says:

    I’ve been reading this blog from the beginning, and I agree that your desired outcome may be a little too unclear to be motivational. It might help to pare down your goals to just a few very clear and measurable items so they become invigorating instead of burdensome

    • alexalhayes says:

      my ultimate goal is really quite simple — to get a PhD — but problems arise when I basically work myself to death trying to make my resume as long and impressive as possible. getting into a PhD program isn’t easy and I’ve been trying like hell to make sure I don’t get a mailbox full of rejection letters like I did last time I applied. part of the problem may be innate in myself though, as I do feel that most if not all goals are burdensome and not invigorating. any advice, big brother?

      • Ian Hayes says:

        I would say that there is a lot of value in setting reasonable goals. It’s important to push yourself and reach for things that may be unattainable; that’s the only way we truly improve, but it’s important to set the right scale. There’s a difference between just out of reach and not-even-remotely-accessible.

        You can reasonably expect to attain a PhD at some point in your life, of that I’m supremely confident. You’re well-educated, passionate, and you work hard.

        However, it may be unreasonable for you to get into a PhD-level program right now. You may need a few more years of work experience, or internships, or independent study, or even just networking. You should finish your Master’s degree. I don’t think that not being able to get into a PhD program now means you never will.

        I also think that that’s a good thing. Having a couple of years to get immersed in the so-called “Real World” has been a great learning experience for me. If anything, it has given me greater clarity on the value and application of further education. It has reinvigorated my passion for more academics with a deeper perspective and drive than I would have had otherwise.

        Speaking of which, I may be asking your advice shortly on taking non-gree-seeking courses. There’s a pre-requisite Statistics class I need to take before applying for my MSSW.

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