December 5, 2012 § 5 Comments
So I’ve spent the last hour or so going back in time, rereading past blog entries [because I can’t concentrate to write the 30 min presentation I have to do tomorrow in class]. It’s amazing to me how much things have changed. In the summer, I was so brave. I was ready for a new life. I felt good about getting rid of the things in life that made me unhappy. I sounded confident and self-assured, like I knew good things were coming my way.
Reading the posts since I started school at UAB have been depressing [and they included one of my worst depressive episodes in over a year]. I just sound broken, lost, defeated. What the hell happened? How did I lose that other girl in such a short amount of time?
There was a brief time in August when I felt really good. I’d just gotten the job at the museum and I was starting classes at UAB. I had a good social life, I was dating someone I was excited about, and I moved to Southside. I can’t believe things went to shit so fast, that I became disillusioned with everything so quickly. I want that girl from May back, who was sure that things were going to get better and that people really could change. I had so much hope. Now I just feel more broken than ever. I feel like saying “fuck this, and this, and this” and peacing out. The “if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it” theory of life I temporarily embraced earlier this year really doesn’t work if you’re trying to build some kind of path for yourself. I’ve just been down so long, it seems like I’m putting myself through hell for no real reason, with my desired outcome too far out of reach to be realistic anymore.
What a disaster.