Signed with Wine

December 8, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ll be honest, I can be a real spiteful bitch when I want to be. I know how to cut a man down when I want to, and I know how to permanently burn bridges.

It’s actually rarely the case that I’m doing it just to hurt him; usually I do it with intention. You know me, always thinking about the future. I hurt guys in the worst way because it helps close that door, because when I cross that line that I know I can never come back from, it means that I can never reignite anything with that guy. I don’t lie and I don’t lie by omission either. I’m honest about everything, so when I cross a serious, deal-breaking line, I know that I can never have a potential future with that guy because I could never lie about not crossing that line. I cross that line for a reason, I hit below the belt as hard as possible because it means that I don’t have to be in that weird limbo stage of not knowing whether we could get back together or whether something more serious is there.

I did it to alec. When I first moved home, I burned that bridge as fast as possible, even if it’s just burned on my end because I have knowledge of my actions that he does not. I could never get back together with him after what I’ve done. If he ever found out, it would destroy him. But I didn’t do it to hurt him, I did it to close that chapter/book/whatever permanently in my own mind. We will never get back together. There is no going back, there is no way to apologize, there is no way we could get past this.

I’ve gotten better about being spiteful. I prefer having things cut and dry, black and white, and sometimes I do the worst thing I can think of if it ends in the kind of clean cut that I want, so I don’t have to have that question constantly nagging my mind. Sometimes I do things just to hurt, because I felt hurt. That’s childish, I admit that. I get really angry any time I let someone hurt me, and in the past, I’ve been quick to hurt them back.

I can’t decide what my motivations are right now. Standing too close to the picture, maybe? I’ve been so tempted to cross those lines, to really make it hurt, to burn those bridges so I can move on with my life knowing that I’ve removed any kind of questioning, any kind of wondering. I want a simple life and often times permanently closing those doors, even if it’s just on my end of things, really helps. Few things are more uncomfortable to me than that kind of wondering, that kind of vagueness and confusion, those fleeting moments of eye contact when I search for some kind of answer.

Tonight I actively chose not to cross those lines. I can’t decide if it’s because I’m maturing or if it’s because I’m just not ready to burn those bridges yet. Time will tell, eh?

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