Sometimes You Just Can’t Win

March 12, 2013 § Leave a comment

Man, I’m tired. It’s 8pm on a Tuesday and I’m ready to go to bed, but I’ve only managed to check off one thing off my three-thing to-do list. I tried to keep it short because I thought that would seem more achievable, which would lead to me accomplishing more based off the theory that the more I accomplish, the happier and more motivated I feel to do more. I do feel good about doing one thing, but now I just want to go to bed.

March has been a month of losses so far. More rejection letters from PhD, I didn’t even place in the UAB Research Day competition, and I was turned down for my last hope of staying at the museum — a Curatorial Assistant Receptionist job. I expected rejection letters, but the people that I lost to at Research Day… I just don’t get it. I can definitely admit when someone’s paper is better than mine, and these people’s weren’t. Ah well. It’s over. As for the museum, they wouldn’t even interview me. Not sure what that’s about, but I’m sure it was for the best since Alexa would never be satisfied as a receptionist. I could try and keep my current job, which is part-time, and get another part-time job but that’s my absolute last resort. If I’m not going to PhD, I’d at the very least like to make some damn money. Working two part-time jobs just sounds miserable. But I won’t rule it out at this point.

I also got sick again this weekend so I went back to the ENT. They took a throat swab to do a culture, not for strep specifically but just to “see what will grow” in an effort to understand exactly what kind of infection I have. It doesn’t matter a whole lot, I think, because they said I’m still going to keep getting sick due to the infection being so deep in my tonsils where the antibiotics can’t go. But if we know what kind of infection I have then we can narrow down what antibiotics will be most effective since some strains of bacteria are resistent to certain medicines. I’ve also been walking around with a fever most days, so that’s really fun, and probably really good for my productivity and accuracy.

I had a moment today while driving back from Tuscaloosa to Birmingham to go to work for a whole hour and a half before heading to yet another doctor’s appointment, where I just felt done. I want a simple life for once. I just want a year where I do what I want, and where I do everything just for me. I want to stop being a slave to my resume. I want to move someplace new, settle into a new job, and not do anything else. I’m going to go on a facebook hiatus again, I think. It’s good, every now and then, to take a break from the grid. I’ll enjoy the time to myself. I’ll read at bedtime, I’ll take my dog on extra walks, I’ll draw and paint again. Hopefully I’ll have a porch so I can sit outside with a cup of tea and listen to the birds. I just want a different life than the one I’ve been living.

The feeling of freedom when Alec and I officially broke up was overwhelming. I remember moving back to Alabama thinking that I could do whatever I wanted, that the world was mine. I want to feel that again, to feel that hope about the future, that confidence in myself, and that ultimate freedom to go wherever I wanted to do whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to justify anything to anyone or worry about anyone else’s happiness. It was all me.

There’s definitely a certain level of anxiety that comes with that freedom. I have to do everything on my own, or figure out how to do it on my own, whether it be getting my medicine when I’m sick or moving furniture in my apartment. Living alone has been a challenge due to my concrete knowledge of my own vulnerability and weakness. Perhaps when I have the spare time I’ll take a self-defense class. And maybe buy a tazer.

I acknowledge that this may just be my brain reacting to the stress it’s buckling under and that in a week or a month’s time I may feel very differently once I’m in the clear of the biggest hurdles I have to get through. I don’t know. I’m just saying that today, in that car, going 80 mph down the open road, I felt like I wanted to be free again, to be on my own. I’m so young. I feel older sometimes, or like I’m out of time, but I’m honestly still so young. I’ve got plenty of time to get a PhD or be close to home or have an established set of friends. I’m young and this is the best possible time in my life to really get out there and enjoy the freedoms that come with youth. You never know when those doors will start shutting, when the ties that bind you to certain people or places will become concrete. This is my chance to be free before people get too close, before my family gets too used to me being around, before I get too comfortable with the familiar. There will be time for all that, but that time isn’t now.

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