Too Much of the Walking Dead, Perhaps

April 12, 2013 § 2 Comments

I feel like a zombie. Cleo was my rock for so many years. I feel empty.

Freedom is slavery.

Without her, what do I do? Where can I go? Without an old dog to worry about and fuss over, I have a wide open world in front of me. I could go anywhere. I’d give up all that freedom to have her back, to have that stability of knowing what my life would look like in some way. She ensured routine, she ensured emotional interaction, she ensured that I keep going. Now I’m alone and lost in a big, wide world that is deaf and blind to me.

I have nothing that I wanted. I don’t have alec, I don’t have cleo, I don’t have a single PhD acceptance letter, I don’t have a job offer. If you told me a year ago that this is where I would end up, I never would have believed you. “I’m strong, I’m resourceful, I’ll make it work.” is what I would say to you, spitting fire and glaring at you for ever suggesting that I would lose anything that I fought so hard to keep. I’ve lost it all.

Things fall apart; 

the center cannot hold.

My center of gravity is completely gone. For a while, since I moved home, things have been topsy-turvy. I scrambled and floundered, grasping at the strangers around me, searching in desperation for some hand hold to stop things from spinning out of control. I don’t know where the moment of change occurred, but at some point, I did stop. Now I’m floating in space, unable to create the momentum needed to move, unable to reach out to those around me. I float in the cold, dark, empty and infinite space. Not moving but drifting, not waving but drowning. I feel nothing, not the pull of gravity nor the wonderful oppressiveness of the humidity of atmosphere. I feel nothing and have no momentum to move, no motivation to choose a direction to go in. Just infinite space.

Hanging on is what’s important here. Even if I’m floating, I have to continue to function in some way. I have to stay conscious. People keep saying, “things will work out, they always do” and “something will come up, you’ll see.” What if I don’t? Things just keep getting worse. What if “things working out” just means that things crash and burn. What if there aren’t any pieces left to try to pick up.

The realist in me acknowledges that things could always be worse. I am thankful that my amazing family, sans a dog and a man, are always there for me. I am thankful that my body, while constantly sick, still continues to function. I’ve had a fever for the last two days and my stomach has refused to properly digest food in the last 24 hours. My insomnia has been severe for the last two weeks or more. But I don’t have cancer. My body is holding on.

The academic in me sees a pattern. I’ve lost the things that I’ve clung to most dearly. Alec is gone, cleo is gone, my dreams of PhD are gone. For years, those were my three main foci. Those three things were all I wanted. All three are now gone in less than a year. My heart keeps breaking, then the pieces break more, then the pieces are crushed to dust. There is nothing left to pick up, to try to put back together. My heart is gone, my soul is unrecognizable, whatever core I had is demolished. For what? Why? What kind of cruel lesson is the Universe teaching me? Life sucks and then you die. Oh, Alexa, you’re always so dramatic, you’re always so negative. Things aren’t so bad.

Floating in space, everything feels cold and out of reach. Moving in any direction is impossible, not just because I lack the momentum to move but because there is no real direction. Everything is nothing, everywhere is nowhere. Does it even matter where I go at this point?

I have to leave. I need to be on my own, really feel what it means to be Alexa in this world. No more alec, no more cleo, no more clear PhD plan. I need to feel like what it is to be me. I need to find a center of gravity that isn’t attached to a person, or a pet, or a program. I need to reconnect with my own center of gravity.

Instead of space dust, I want to be the sun.

I just can’t let myself disappear before I figure out how to make that happen. For now, I float, suspended.

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§ 2 Responses to Too Much of the Walking Dead, Perhaps

  • Mark says:

    Forgive me, but I must comment. This may be the most wonderfully profound, and beautiful, post I’ve read on your blog – and I’m sure it comes as no surprise to hear that I’ve read most of what you’ve posted. Even posts from long before we knew one another.

    Perhaps it’s the immensity of this message’s weight – its calm yet overwhelming power. Or from its resignation. Or that in some respects I relate to your words because I’ve been denying the fact that I’ve been in a similar space for nearly a year – obviously in a drastically different space and for different reasons. Maybe all that and more.

    It was the float. The float is what hit me hardest.

    I offer no words of comfort. No advice. Nothing. Because I have no answers. All I want to say is that these words are truly powerful. Inexplicably terrifying to me and inspiring. And to also say, after reading this, and after traveling our path over the past five or six weeks, and the months that we’ve known each other, I’m sorry for trying so hard to hold on to you. You were not there to be held.. to be pinned down… and my denial of that truth only made both of us angry, hurt, and frustrated.

    You need to float. To see where you end up. On your own. Hopefully finding more of yourself. As do I.

    Separately we float. As it should be.

    And as always, I hope nothing but the best for both of our futures.

    • alexalhayes says:

      thank you for your kind words of understanding. I know that you’ve been floating, or spinning, for a while as well, which is why I really think our separation is the best thing for both of us. you need to reconnect with you, find your “compass” as you say. you can’t do that when you’re so involved with me, so committed to hanging on to me, even when you know how disconnected I am right now, I have been since you’ve known me. I wish the best for you as well. I hope you find in yourself what you’re looking for.

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