That Lingering Feeling

September 12, 2013 § Leave a comment

I don’t normally do morning posts, but I need that feeling of peace and release that I get when I blog. I’ve noticed that my depression is still hanging on, despite all the distractions I have at work and the extracurricular activities I pursue at the museum and with fellow interns, it persists.

Last night I dreamed that I wrecked my car, and in the junkyard I found a ratty little Chihuahua that had been abandoned there. As I was trying to care for this helpless little thing, I got a call that Mark’s mother had died. At her funeral, I got the call that Alec’s mother had died, and when I was trying to comfort him on the phone he told me that he’s fallen in love with someone, which ignited in me nothing short of a furious anger, since he’d been with me for five years and never said anything close to that about me.

I woke up with that hurt and anger swirling in my heart along with the concern and grief that comes with watching someone else lose a parent. My own grief was certainly mixed in as well, since I knew those women. Mark’s dad would have to go on alone without his charming, chatty, enthusiastic, softer half. Alec’s mom was alone.

I tried to shake off these thoughts and strong feelings (with dreams as vivid as mine, you wake up absolutely thinking they’re real because the pain in you heart tells you they were), throwing on a random dress for work before walking the dog.

On our walk, I put my hand into one of the pockets of the dress and found a movie ticket stub. The stub was for the movie that Alec and I saw when he was in town a couple of months ago, when we saw each other for the first time in the year since our breakup.

The movie stub read “This is the End.”

 

 

I think I’ll need a strong drink today.

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