An Extended Case of the Mondays
September 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
So the week is off to a very shaky start following a crap weekend. Yay!
Yesterday I did set out to prove my hypothesis by going on a date with someone I briefly talked to online. Pretty much the second I shook his hand, I knew it was going to be a long night of me wishing I was anywhere but there, and it was. I kept wondering why I didn’t just interrupt him mid-sentence to say “Sorry. I’m not interested. I’d love to go home now.” but for some reason I didn’t. I reflected on this on my drive home, and I actually think that it’s a sign that I’ve matured in some ways. In high school, I probably would have left unceremoniously and likely very rudely after about five minutes. Maybe it’s just some kind of Southern politeness brainwashing, but I’d like to think it’s a sign that I’ve grown up a bit that I didn’t completely ditch this guy like a callous bitch.
I sat and listened to his terrible jokes and his boring stories and his really heavy southern accent and somehow I developed this painfully shrill fake laugh. It’s so bizarre to me that other people can’t read chemistry, because I was literally ready to go about five seconds into the “date” but he kept ordering beer after beer after beer, and then complained about feeling awkward because I had one beer (which I ordered before he got there) and then asked for water.
Normally I would consider the entire miserable experience a waste of my life, but instead I’m trying to see the positive. I’ve grown up a bit, understanding that this other human being went out on a limb, put himself into a potentially very awkward situation with a complete stranger, so I shouldn’t be a huge bitch to him and leave. He can’t help it he’s totally uninteresting to me and that he can’t tell I’m completely not into him at all. I just can’t believe chemistry can be that one sided. Anyway. Eventually I yawned enough times that he politely dismissed me and I politely went home, expelling a huge sigh of relief as soon as I reached my car, knowing that within minutes I would be happily at home, alone, with my dog on the couch watching Parks & Rec.
Now that I’m no longer horribly bored and uncomfortable, I can reflect and see that two positive outcomes came out of that date:
1. I’ve grown up enough to respect strangers as human beings instead of being a huge bitch to a person I don’t know at all for something they couldn’t possibly change or predict.
2. Fuck dating. Or at least fuck online dating. I’ve never had chemistry with anyone I’ve met online, and I’ve only had chemistry with about three people on the face of the planet in general, so I think I should stick to dating people I can’t keep myself away from instead of trying to date people I don’t even know in the slightest.
So I feel good about that. I’m scratching online dating off the list and I’m going to enjoy being alone until someone comes along who has chemistry that can match mine and Alec’s or mine and Mark’s (good fucking luck, future dude! that’s a hell of a high bar to reach).
Unfortunately, my positivity ran out and could barely get me through the day today. It’s been a rough week work-wise and I’m becoming increasingly frustrated with one of my bosses who basically refuses to teach or help me, even when I explicitly beseech him.
I’m a very fucking independent worker, okay? I’m super self-motivated and I work hard. I am very low maintenance as far as managers are concerned, so it almost physically pains me to have to ask for help. And when I ask for help, it means I ACTUALLY NEED IT. But he won’t help me. He won’t teach me. He won’t give me any positive feedback. All I get from him is negativity, long lists of what I’ve done wrong, and a general refusal to help me. I’ve gotten a lot of sympathy from the rest of the staff and certainly from the interns, but that doesn’t go very far when I have to spend 8 hours a day feeling like a needy little failure.
It makes me mad, too, because I’m a smart kid. I’m totally capable and he should be glad to have me working for him but instead he misses our meetings, ignores my emails, and refuses to teach me. When I’m not fighting back tears at my desk or fantasizing about how much better I’ll feel once I get four margaritas after work, I’m writing an extremely carefully-worded email in my head explaining to him that things are going to need to change. I’m not some little bitch he gets to ignore and then throw work on without teaching me how to do it. I’m a fucking intern and I’m here to learn everything I possibly can, and I’m a huge asset to him if he can get off his high horse and actually deign to explain what he wants from me.
It’s a delicate situation though, because I don’t want to make things worse or make him any more mad at me than he already is. Or disappointed. Whatever, however he feels about me, I don’t really care. I don’t want to make it worse, I just want to be able to do my job and do it well and not waste literally hours of my day trying to figure out how to read this man’s mind with only negative feedback to work with. I’m so blunt and honest, it’s hard for me to handle these delicate situations. Ugh. I hate that I have to be in this situation at all. Don’t I deserve a good, caring, helpful boss who wants to be a mentor instead of a master? I’ve been through enough crappy bosses, I damn straight deserve a good one.
We (some of the interns) went for margaritas after work at our soon-to-be-a-tradition Tuesday spot. Everyone else was celebrating a job well done and a job actually enjoyed, while I was trying to drink enough to forget that I moved 700 miles across the country to be shat on by yet another egotistical, self-centered, narcissistic museum employee. Things got serious somehow, and I ended up having to explain why my “ultimate life fantasy” was a salaried job with health insurance because all my other life fantasies got thrown in the trash fairly painfully and unceremoniously. One of the interns I actually like laughed out loud when I told her that my old “life fantasy” involved having children. Yeah, it’s laughable that someone like me would ever reproduce. That was a nice kicker to the end of a pretty crappy five day span.
Oh, and I had fabulous dreams last night about Mark and Alec both dating new people, new people who were absolutely awful and trashy and totally not worth anyone’s time unless you like Jersey Shore dumpster diving. Anyway, the very upsetting dream ended with me screaming “I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU BITCH IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN HOUSE.” which actually made me feel a lot better because you’re damn right that bitch took me seriously. But that’s what I woke up with on my mind, maybe residual guilt for dating someone new? No idea. My dreams over the last few weeks have been adding to the difficulties of my days because I feel upset and exhausted when I wake up and it takes me a while to push through that. No matter how vivid my dreams are, they are not real. Why is that so hard to remember?
Sorry if this post is all over the place. I blog because it makes me feel better, and I desperately need to feel better because things have been pretty low lately, but I admit this post was more about emptying my brain of the things it’s been obsessing over today instead of a cohesive, thoughtful post.
Thursday I start training for my new/second job, so that’s exciting (not really) but I also get to see a professor lecture at the museum (a professor who I’ve applied to work with TWICE for PhD and who has rejected me TWICE. maybe I should ask him about that after the lecture… only kidding.) on art I’m interested in, then the museum has a special event on Friday that could be fun, then saturday is Burgerfest and an art walk, so that should all be good fun. I simply can’t see how Burgerfest could disappoint!
Surely this week will get better. Surely.
[I may go back and edit this later to try to make it more coherent and cohesive, but for now I’m leaving it as my alcohol-driven drivel of a sad 20-something woman in what feels like a mid-life crisis]