Side Effects

September 26, 2013 § Leave a comment

Apparently there are side effects that come with my 8 hours of solid sleep filled with the occasional warm and cuddly dream. My well-rested mind has decided to let all the memories of Alec and Mark come bubbling back to the surface, despite my usual staunch resistance and attempts to forget. 

I wasn’t the right girl for them, but good god, they are two great guys. Incredibly kind, affectionate in their own way, and for some strange reason I will never understand, they stuck by me.

Alec and I broke up once, after about a year of dating, because our phones dropped a call when we were fighting and we both assumed the other had rudely hung up so neither of us called the other back. That was the only time he ever seemed like he wanted to leave me. In five years, through quite a few fights and arguments and days of cold shoulders from me, Alec never faltered. 

Mark was the same way. We had a little hiccup in the very beginning where he second-guessed dating me, but that was the only time. When I saw our huge blow ups as breakups, he just saw them as something to work through, something we would move past. He always took me back, was always there waiting for me to turn around. 

I have been unbelievably lucky to have these two wonderful men in my life, two wonderful men who loved me despite my long list of faults, my many buckets of crazy, my readiness to head for the door at the first sign of trouble. All the memories that have been flooding my mind last night and today have been happy but painful, so I’ve been crying a lot when I’m alone. It’s nice to remember those moments when I knew I loved them and when I knew they loved me. But it’s incredibly painful knowing that’s lost, that those moments will stay in the past, that I was the wrong girl for them. 

My biggest worry is that they’ll both end up alone, that somehow being with me has marked them for bachelorhood, like I tainted them or ruined women for them or broke them or something. I just want them to be happy. I want like hell for them to be happy. I couldn’t make them happy, but they fucking deserve for someone to. I don’t know who I worry more about, Mark or Alec, but I know them both, I know their souls. They deserve to be happy.

I hope I never lose these memories. It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Painful as hell, but so true.


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