October 7, 2013 § 1 Comment
So I had a miniature epiphany today on my drive in to work. It’s so funny, and incredibly painful, when you can finally see how all the pieces align to show you that it was absolutely your fault things ended.
The truth is that I did love Mark. Did he drive me crazy? Of course he did. Everyone drives me crazy, and the people I care about tend to drive me crazy the most. Alec was my first love so I think that’s always a different experience than loving someone again after you’ve been through that. I was really immature when Alec and I got involved, and I think that’s why I felt so differently about him than I did Mark. I was in a very very different place when I met Mark versus when I met Alec as well, and I was a fairly different person in some respects. I don’t think me loving Mark comes as a surprise to anyone. Anyone who saw us together, saw it clear as day.
I think the reason I can only admit it now is because I know it’s over between us, so there’s no real risk in admitting it out loud. It’s too late. I fought so hard against admitting it to myself because I knew it would never work out with me and Mark.
Here’s why, my little epiphany:
With every fiber in my being, I do not think I deserve to be loved. I am unlovable.
The reason Alec and I lasted so long was because I never really knew if he loved me or not. I know now, in the end, that he did love me as much as he was capable, but not because he said anything to suggest it. So for 95% of the time we were together, I never knew if he loved me so I assumed he didn’t. I assumed he couldn’t.
I knew Mark loved me from very early on. I knew without question. I knew because he told me, he showed me, he screamed it at me. And I loved him too, or I never would have stuck with him for so long. I wouldn’t have thought about him all the time, every second. I wouldn’t have spent so much time with him. But we were doomed from the start, because I don’t believe anyone should ever love me, I don’t think I deserve to be loved, so half of the time we were together (or even apart) and I knew he loved me, I felt wretched about it. We fought all the time because I pushed him away, treated him like a fool for ever loving me. I honestly think the reason he would get so furious with me (enough to scare me even) is because he knew I loved him but he knew I would never let him love me. To be fair to both of us, I think the amount of pressure I was under with work and school and family stuff definitely exacerbated things, maybe made the fights worse than they needed to be, maybe made them occur more often. But in the end, it wouldn’t have mattered because I would have left him anyway or pushed him away enough times that he finally would have walked out on me. And I would have let him because I know I don’t deserve love.
So here I am rightfully alone. Am I lonely? Absolutely. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely. But I still feel relieved, relieved that I don’t have to worry about hurting them anymore and relieved that I don’t have to feel awful about Mark loving me when he shouldn’t.
I know I’m not a terrible person. I know I’m not. Every rational part of my brain screams that I’m not a terrible person. So I blame depression for this. I blame depression for making me feel like I’m not worthy of being loved. It isn’t me, it’s an illness that has infected me. I don’t know how to change it, but I have hope that one day I’ll get better, I’ll be better.
Because seriously, THIS IS BULLSHIT.