Numbness

November 2, 2013 § Leave a comment

“Treat every thought and emotion as suspect. Everything you think and feel is filtered through your depression.”

Okay. I am upset. So what do I feel. Hurt. Frustration. Confusion. Anger. Betrayed.

Which of these emotions are real? What do they stem from? What source is “me” and what is the depression?

If every feeling is suspect, I must disregard it as false, as nothing more than a fabrication of my depression that cannot be trusted. So what do I feel instead?

Nothing.

I feel numb when my emotional responses are shut down in turn for being unreliable and presumably irrational, mere pawns in my depression actively trying to increase my pain.

If all of my feelings are suspect, all I have left is numbness, an empty feeling made up of dissatisfaction, self-doubt, and unhappiness.

___________________________________

I think seeking medication as treatment may be a very terrible idea since I am alone. It seems incredibly unwise to risk the potential extremes and worst case scenarios of introducing anti-depressants to my system when I have no one to rely on, no immediate support system, no one to watch for the warning signs.

I’ve heard that some meds take the pain away but leave numbness. I fear numbness more than the pain. I can deal with the pain. I know what it feels like, I know what stays my hand, I know how to manage it. Numbness just makes me feel like nothing matters. In no way is that a benefit to me. I would be gone in an instant if I were overwhelmed by the feeling that nothing matters. Empathy is what keeps me from harming myself. Empathy makes me feel the pain I would cause my loved ones. Pain I understand. Pain I don’t want to cause anyone.

Self-imposed numbness as a result of shutting down depression-driven emotional responses is not the same thing as a medical, chemical-induced numbness. I don’t want that. I cannot risk that.

Now is not the time to seek medication as treatment for my depression.

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