Going it Alone

November 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

Up until now, I’ve been pretty fiercely independent. I take care of my own shit, I deal with my own problems, and I do my damnedest (wow if *that* doesn’t look like a word) not to be a burden on anyone as much as I can help it. Since I’ve “come out the closet” with my depression, my close friends and family have been very supportive, telling me I have to learn to ask for help and that I can’t do this on my own. Yet, when I actually need to talk, no one has time? Not only that, but they automatically assume that I’m suicidal (Hint: I don’t reach out to talk when I’m suicidal.) which is really off-putting to me and then makes me feel ridiculous for calling in the first place because “No, it isn’t that serious… I just had a bad day.” 

I feel so embarrassed when that’s people’s first reaction, like I’m some kind of time bomb or something, instead of a human being who is struggling and would just like someone sympathetic and understanding to talk to. “Any time you need to talk, just let me know. [Unless it’s bad for me… or I’m in the middle of something… or I’m not checking my phone even though I know Alexa is trying to get treatment and it’s a really rocky time for her so I should probably keep my phone close since I told her I could talk anytime she needed].” 

So is this a rational upset? Or is this a depressive anxiety attack? Oh right, my reality is already upside down because I’m depressed and now it’s upside down because I’m on medication. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHICH DIRECTION IS UP. and lord knows I gotta figure out on my own because no one who said they would be there is there for me when I need to talk. 

To be fair, I’m sure this is tough on everyone. Worrying about sick people is always trying. You assume the worst so quickly. I can understand that. And I can be somewhat unreasonable and cold when I feel embarrassed about my situation and ashamed for wanting people to drop everything to talk to me when I’m upset. That makes it especially hard on other people. I guess it’s like how injured animals lash out at the people trying to help them.  

But I’ve been on my own for a while. I’m used to it. It comes naturally. So it’s really hard for me to say “I need to talk. I’m upset.” and to ask for help in that way from someone else. It’s incredibly hard. And that window for when I want to talk to someone else about being upset is verrrry short. I’m not going to want to talk three hours later. It’s not like I’m just being difficult — my depression affects me physically and the more upset I am and the more lonely I feel, the more my head hurts, which makes me increasingly less likely to want to talk. I wanted to talk when I said I needed to and if no one was available, then I’ll just fucking deal with it on my own like I always have. 

It’s a lot easier to rely on myself than to try to rely on other people. I don’t know why people keep telling me that I need to learn to ask for help when all I’m learning is that people aren’t there for you when you need them. It’s not fair for me to expect them to keep their phone handy or drop everything because “Oh lord, the crazy girl needs to talk.” but people shouldn’t tell me they’re there for me when they’re not. 

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I can’t remember what I last posted about, so I should probably give a little update. I started on Lexapro just over a week ago and I started cognitive behavioral therapy this week, so I’m jumping pretty head-first into treatment for my depression. I’ve noticed some negative slight side effects with the Lexapro so far, namely dizziness, nausea, and anxiety related to being medicated which has interfered with the usual efficacy of my sleeping pills. No fluffy, happy, floating on a cloud feelings, though I don’t really know what to expect as far as the positive effects of the medication. Guess I’ll start to feel whatever it is normal people feel like. Obviously, it’s not working yet. 

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