No Improvement

December 14, 2013 § Leave a comment

So even with the melatonin and the anti-depressant sleep aid additions, I’m still sleeping like shit. I’m falling asleep faster, sure, but I’m still sleeping really restlessly and having some of the most fucked up dreams in my memory (which is saying something. example: last week I dreamed mark and mom had a baby and mark let it drown in the bathtub. I woke up practically screaming “I’LL NEVER HAVE KIDS. THEY CAN DROWN IN TWO INCHES OF WATER!!” cause obviously that’s the most disturbing takeaway from that dream.). 

It may be true that I just need to give the meds time to work. I doubled my dose of melatonin tonight and took all my meds on top of about a bottle of red. My psychiatrist says I metabolize medications faster than normal which is why pain meds and antidepressants, etc. don’t have a strong effect on me. Funny story: when I was taking pain meds after getting my wisdom teeth out I was CrAcKeD out to a crazy productive extent. I raked my friend’s entire backyard, bagged all the leaves, dragged all the bags up the driveway to the street, and swept his pack patio and porch completely clean. Most people just sleep or eat jello, I’m told. 

Anyway, point is, meds don’t respond to my system the same way they do to more normal people so I’m still not seeing the sexual or alcohol-related side effects (among others) that are apparently common. I’m also not seeing any noticeable improvement so I guess the meds still aren’t working. 

My psychiatrist said to call her if I’m not sleeping better within a week. Looks like I’m on the path to call her! At least I get to sleep in tomorrow instead of having to get up for a pet sit. That’ll be nice. If I can sleep peacefully. HA HA. I made a joke! 

______________

I’ve applied to quite a few jobs now, including two at UAB and one at my old high school. God, I would *love* to work at my high school. I didn’t appreciate it then as much as I do now, but my goodness I got an amazing education there. I wouldn’t be teaching or anything like that, but I would still feel amazing getting to give back to the school. The new director is my old english teacher. I tried to be happy for him, the promotion and all, but he was SOOOOOOOOOOOO good as a teacher. He changed my life. I told him that. I’m so sad that all the following classes of students will miss out on that. He was just everything a teacher should be. And we rose to the occasion as students. Anyway, I would love to work at ASFA, get a chance to support such a wonderful school and such talented kids, faculty, and alum. But so far they don’t seem interested. No response to my application. No invitation to interview. I would accept in a heartbeat, no matter the pay. 

The biggest thing is that I need a living wage. Oh, right. AND HEALTH INSURANCE. I **desperately** need health insurance. Desperately. I need to get back to Birmingham ASAP anyway for the support system, but I also really need a full-time job that pays a living wage (unlike my current job) and offers health benefits. I can’t continue treatment for many more months without it, it’s just too expensive. Thank god for generics for some of my meds! But still. I need to get back to Birmingham. I need a job that actually encourages me to be productive and gives me opportunities to contribute. I need a job that wants me to work. And I need a job that offers health benefits. Why is this so hard? I have years of experience, an impressive resume for my mere 25 years, an adaptive skill set, and a passion to be utilized and to grow professionally. Why is no one calling to interview me? I have an interview on Monday, but it’s for a job in Sales….. Alexa in sales…. that’ll be the day! 

If I could just sleep, things would be better. My psychiatrist knows this. My psychologist knows this. I have such a hard time sleeping and when I can sleep, I have crazy disturbing fucking dreams. I just don’t know where my subconscious gets this stuff! Shocking. Horrifying. Haunting. I try to redirect my thoughts when memories of the dreams hit me, but it’s tough. 

I think what I miss most about Birmingham is the hugs. I got so many great hugs from so many great people. I think the only hugs I’ve had in Dallas are from the few family members who have visited. They were great hugs, no doubt, but they were so fleeting. I just don’t feel comfortable hugging my few friends here and I don’t really know if they’re huggers in the first place. People never think I’m a hugger… I seem too cold, too unapproachable? Or is that just how I see myself through my depressive lens? Who knows (my psychologist probably…). Either way, I don’t have hugs ere and I fucking love hugs. LOVE. HUGS. 

I think it was in Cast Away when at the end of the movie, Tom Hanks’s character was blown away by the touch of another human being. Was it that movie? Or maybe Life as a House when Kevin Kline’s character is in the hospital. Anyway, I feel like that. Like I haven’t been touched, even in a friendly affectionate way, in a long time. Certainly it’s just been a few days since I had my goodbye hugs at the beach with my family, but here in Dallas on the whole, the affectionate touches have been far between. I need that. Human beings need contact, not necessarily in a sexual way, but in a friendly, familiar way. If I didn’t have a dog, I don’t think I would know how to continue to exist. 

I’ll wait til Monday. 

I’ll wait til Monday to see if the meds are working, particularly the sleeping pills. 

I’ll wait til Monday to send follow-up emails to the UAB and ASFA jobs. SOMEONE PLEASE HIRE ME. Ps. I’m awesome. Oh yeah, and depressed… but that has no effect on my work! 

I’ll wait til Monday. 

Keep on hoping. No improvement can only continue for so long, for everything must change. The Wheel of Fate never ceases to turn. 

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