December 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
Today was the best day I’ve had in a while. No, the meds still aren’t working. Had a long dream last night about working at the museum coordinating tours again, and there were so many kids everywhere and no one could hear me, so I was running around trying to wrangle them but failing. I ended up feeling beyond exhausted, like one of those zombie-moments you get when you’ve been up for 24 hours straight or after a major run of exams. I was wandering around in my dream, struggling to keep my eyes open and being fairly unresponsive/despondent to everyone who tried to talk to me. Then something good happened, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I fell asleep just at the happy moment of the very exhausting, stressful dream. Then I woke up. Exhausted. So the sleep meds still aren’t working like they should… You really shouldn’t be dreaming about how tired you are.
But I had a good day once I dragged my ass out of bed (which took a while, but I had three dogs to walk!). I went on a brunch date with a friend of a friend. He’s a really nice guy, went to art school for sculpture, plays piano and classical bass, owns his own house (that dates to 1911, which is awesome), and has definite career goals and a plan for the future. He also surprised me with a handmade dark blue glass ornament. He used to have his own glass-blowing company before he moved back to Dallas. And you know how much I love handmade gifts! Even if they’re made from popsicle sticks, haha, but the glass ornament is really beautiful too. I was very upfront with him (surprise, surprise! how unlike me…) about my depression, my treatment, and how I’m trying to get back to Birmingham ASAP, so he’s fully informed of the situation and he can easily draw conclusions about my expectations and intentions.
What happened with Mark, you ask? Well, it’s complicated as always. Or maybe not so much. He basically said he didn’t want me, doesn’t want to date me, but still wants to be there for me as a friend. I’m sure it’s unsurprising that I wouldn’t want to be that girl who’s a basketcase and calls him crying when she’s depressed while he’s getting numbers from other girls at bars. No thank you! Talk about terrible for my self-esteem.
Speaking of my self-esteem, let’s have a little girl talk (if talking about boys wasn’t enough for you). The following may seem superficial to you, but please bear with me.
I’ve been watching a lot of What Not to Wear lately since Netflix added it to their instant streaming collection. In the past, I’ve considered it a guilty pleasure and trashy television, watching it only in private and most often when I was wasting time in my hotel room on business trips. I started watching it when it was added to Netflix mostly because of the guilty-pleasure aspect but that quickly changed into an educational venture. I was never taught much about hair, makeup, fashion, and presentation so what I’ve learned over the years has been sporadic and unreliable.
What hooked me into the show this time was realizing how much of it I could relate to, how I fell into the same cycles as the women on the show. Because of my depression, my energy level is naturally very low in the first place and then extremely low when you add on a job or two and being in school. I didn’t have the energy to really spend time figuring out fashion and all that jazz, much less have energy or confidence to do it. So my clothes and lack of makeup and hairstyle reflecting how I felt — feel like crap, look like crap. Then I would hate myself even more because when I would look in the mirror, I would see that I looked like crap which only made me feel more like crap. Crap Crap Crap Cycle. Ew. But you get the point.
I am incredibly insecure about my looks. I always have been. I’ve never been the prettiest girl in the room and I don’t expect I’ll ever be. I’ve never be as skinny as I think I should be.
What Not to Wear is all about embracing who you are and presenting yourself in the best way possible. They don’t try to fit you into some mold or formula, but instead show you how to let your personality show through your clothing while teaching you to dress for the body you have, not the body you want. Their use of makeup is to accentuate your features but not put on a mask or cover up what makes you unique, which to me is exactly what makeup should do. These things make you feel beautiful and reinforce it as you constantly approve of yourself when you see your reflection rather than thinking you look like crap, making you feel worse. It’s not narcissism or superficial, it really isn’t. It’s taking care of yourself, showing people that you care about yourself and are a confident woman who embraces her body type, her personality, and the features of her face that make her unique.
So I’ve been rethinking the way I’ve been doing things. I bought some new makeup and have been trying out some new things. I’m still not going crazy with makeup just because I don’t like the look on me, but I have been doing more of a winged eyeliner and more shadow (sometimes, not often. most days I just wear eyeliner). I’ve been experimenting with blush as well because I have no natural blush to my face and no tan to speak of, so my face is pretty pale and flat. Plus I have awesome cheekbones apparently, so I should be highlighting them!
I’ve also taken major steps to get my wardrobe in check. I’m trying to embrace my body and love it for how it is, not hate it for what it isn’t. I’ve been trying to buy more clothes in stores rather than online to ensure that they actually fit, because keeping clothes that don’t fit just leads to more negativity when you keep trying on the same thing and feeling shitty because it still doesn’t fit properly or you look bad in it. If it doesn’t fit or I’m not 100% in love with it: 1. I shouldn’t buy it and 2. I shouldn’t keep it. I went to the thrift store and bought about 7 tops and today I went to Ross and ended up getting three party dresses. There are a lot of holiday parties coming up and all my dresses are spring/summer, so I needed to go shopping anyway and the thrift store didn’t give me anything in the way of dresses.
The next big hurdle is cleaning out my wardrobe. If I don’t love it and/or it doesn’t fit, it has to go. Unfortunately, I have a stupid amount of clothes so it’s a big undertaking, but it has to be done and I know I’ll feel better when it is.
I think I feel pretty good today because I FINALLY GOT MY CHRISTMAS TREEEE! It’s the first one I’ve ever bought (my roommate in college bought one for our apartment once) and I absolutely adore it even though it’s not really the best tree I’ve ever seen. It’s a little ungainly, but it’s also stupidly adorable because my ornaments are awesome. I was going to make ornaments but I don’t have the time or the energy (all energy needs to go into making christmas presents!) and after I got all the ornaments that I’ve been given or bought, there really isn’t room on the tree for any more decorations. The ornaments I bought were really cheap–just from Big Lots–but they’re super cute, as is the penguin tree skirt I got. My aunt sent me some really adorable ornaments as well that keep with the cute bird theme, which I put high on the tree just in case Asha gets curious about them…
Is it the rainbow-colored lights? Or the many birds in scarves (owls, penguins, and sparrows, oh my!)? Or the smell of the tree when I come home? I’m not really sure what it is about the Christmas tree that makes me so elated, but I’ll ride that train as long as it keeps truckin on! I do hope I don’t burn the apartment down though because the lights I got are crazy hot. I’ll just have to be good about watching them and not keeping the tree very long once it’s dried out. I’m looking forward to cozying up on the sofa with hot chocolate, admiring the tree with all the lights off so the tree really glows. Maybe I’ll write a letter to Santa as well… Why not! Adulthood be damned!