December 20, 2013 § Leave a comment

Okay, so meds actually do work. And when they kick in, you’re like “MOVE OVER MOTHERFUCKER. I’M TAKING OVER THIS WORLD.” But not in like a violent, dominating kind of way, you’re taking over the world by giggling, humming christmas music, and basically wanting to hug everyone until they can feel as good as you do. I’m sure eventually the ecstatic excitement of every day being an opportunity rather than an obligation or a struggle will wear off, but right now I’m giddy and trying really hard not to run around screaming “THIS FEELS AMAZING” all the time. 

I mean, seriously. This is pretty unbelievable. I can’t believe normal people just walk around like this all the time. It really explains a lot, though it makes me question even more why the hell anyone would have been interested in me while I was depressed. Now I look great and feel great and want to scream that I finally feel good to anyone who will listen. This is a huge change from Monday, when I was sobbing on my drive home and was so desperately sad that I was actually considering pulling over and hugging the first person I saw on the sidewalk. Monday was a really, really, really shitty day. And I hardly slept that night which really didn’t help matters.

When I woke up feeling great on Wednesday, I tried not to get too used to it. “I’m just having a good day,” I thought. “This won’t last,” I thought. 

But on Thursday I woke up feeling great again. 

And last night I actually SLEPT COMPLETELY THROUGH THE NIGHT. I had a bad dream, but when I woke up, I was like “Girl, you crazy. That dream was bullshit.” And I didn’t think anymore on it. And now, it’s Friday night, and I STILL FEEL GREAT. 

I’m still not totally convinced this will last… I’m certain that I’ll still have some bad days as I’m adjusting to seeing what feeling good feels like and dealing with the grief, anger, and frustration of the decade I lost feeling so fucking shitty. And of course I’m desperately afraid now that I’ll relapse and go back to how I was before: exhausted, angry, over-critical, and super negative all the time. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. Ever. EVEREVEREVER. 

Okay, okay. I guess I’m still the same person for the most part, because yesterday I went to a fancy pants museum party for the junior associates and where did I hang out… In the sunroom? Nope. By the giant fireplace? Nope. Outside on the patio? Nope. I hung around the food table and stuffed my beautiful little face full of some SUPER yummy delicious food. How many times did I refill my little dessert plate? Uncountable. How many times did I snag stuff with my fingers from the table rather than put it on my plate and then eat it like a fancy pants adult? Uncountable. Seriously, rich kids, you can’t delay eating bacon-wrapped dates by wasting time putting them on your plate first. Baby crab cakes, stuffed mushrooms, some kind of tuna (?) salad cream cheese thing with an almond sliver on a piece of lettuce, tiny little pie squares… Ermahgerd. Plus the free booze was nice too. The other girls where like “Ooh, which guys do you think are single?” I have real priorities: BACON. 

The meds kicking in is perfect timing, too, because I have Hell Week coming up next week where I’m working back-to-back 12-14 hour days for the entire week. OH BOY. SO EXCITING. Know why it’s exciting? MONEY. AND KITTENS. Cause, seriously, those are my two favorite things in life that aren’t edible next to puppies (I have one already) and shoes (I have WAY too many). I’m so glad I live alone because I sing and if I had a roommate it would probably drive them up the wall. I’ve apparently been humming a lot at work all week, but I never notice when I’m doing it, so I guess when it starts to really grind someone’s nerves, they’ll let me know… 

AND. My mom is coming to visit for New Years! ANDANDAND I’m actually going to take a couple days off to hang out with her! ALEXA IS TAKING A DAY OFF HOLY SHIT IT’S AMAZING. 

Lots of exciting stuff in the works as to the rest of my life, so I will hopefully have some big announcements soon! Cross your fingers and toes for me! And whatever else you have… that crosses……


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