One Month Anniversary

February 15, 2014 § Leave a comment

Somehow I’ve already been in Alabama a month. My, how time flies… Just enough time for everything to crash and burn, for everything to fall apart. 

Mark and I tried to make things work, but we just couldn’t. I remember watching Independence Day when I was a kid and hating the phrase “Love wasn’t enough.” I listened to a lot of the Beatles back then so I took “All You Need is Love” as gospel. Now that I’m older and have experienced two relationships failing despite me being in love with both men, I finally understand that love sometimes isn’t enough to make things work. 

So here I am, alone again. Back to square one. Feeling ready for a solid, healthy relationship for once in my life but I just can’t seem to find it. Feeling desperate like I’ll never find a relationship like that, that I’m doomed to be alone because my personality is just too difficult for any man to handle. I hate that feeling. Surely some man is out there ready to love me for exactly who I am, who will handle me with patience and care, and who I will love more than anything else in the world. Surely out of the billions of people in the world, someone is out there for me. Surely I’m not one of those women who ends up alone. 

My social situation is about the same as it was in Dallas. I have one friend left. My best girlfriend won’t see me or talk to me because Mark and I got back together. Now that we’ve called it quits, she still won’t see me and accuses me of pushing her away. It’s all in her head, she’s not being fair or seeing clearly. Because she won’t see me, I have no access to her new friends so I can’t make friends with new people either. 

Thankfully, my best friend of ten years, Chase, still loves me. Still thinks I’m great. Still has hope that I’ll find happiness. If I didn’t have Chase, I don’t know what I’d do. Probably run away, isn’t that what I always do? Move to another state! That’ll fix everything! 

I haven’t even been able to get a job. Me, with eight years of work experience and a stellar academic career. No one wants to hire me. For the first time in my life, I interviewed (for TWO HOURS) for a job and didn’t get it. I’ve never been unemployed for this long. I’m quickly running out of money and feel totally desperate for a job. It’s so…. I can’t even think of the word to describe the feeling of having done absolutely everything right to position yourself for a great job at this point in my career but despite all that, you just can’t catch a break! I did everything right. I busted my ass. Now I have nothing. No money in the bank, maxed out credit cards, and a pile of bills. 

I got a second dog, too. Mia. She’s adorable and incredibly affectionate, but she’s not working out. I wanted an adult dog to be a companion for Asha but despite her age, Mia is still very much a puppy, which is exactly what I DIDN’T want. She’s not housebroken, she chews on everything, she is obnoxious about getting affection, and she harasses Asha such to the point that Asha tries to hide from her behind furniture or next to me. I hate that it’s not working out because I feel like a bad mom, but the situation is clear and I need to get rid of her. So far, no one is interested. I really want her to go to a family with small kids or another puppy, but no bites, no referrals, no interest. 

You can see how I’m feeling pretty hopeless. 

Getting a job: failed.

My relationship with Mark: failed. 

Enjoying a social life: failed. 

Companion for Asha: failed. 

I’m so stressed out that I can’t even concentrate on anything that might make me feel better. I spend every day frantically applying to random jobs and obsessively looking for new opportunities. I wander around my apartment wondering how the hell my life ended up in the toilet, especially when I thought I made the best decision in moving back home. How can things be such a mess? Shouldn’t my life be healthy and stable now? Mid-twenties aren’t at all what I thought they’d be. Everyone else is getting promotions at work, getting married, getting pregnant, buying houses. I have nothing but an empty bank account and a great apartment I can’t afford now. 

I’m sure it’s just the meds talking, but I do feel hopeful sometimes. I’ve always had a strong drive to push forward, to keep trying to make things better. Chase told me about an email chain he’s joined that shares people’s motivational mantras. Mine has been “Stay strong and carry on” for years. Just keep pushing forward, just keep breathing until things get better. They have to get better. 

I’ve made plans to join the gym so I can start doing daily fitness classes. I’ll feel better having somewhere to go, something to do, especially since it’s something that will physically and emotionally make me feel better. 

I also went to the thrift store yesterday and bought a lot of new clothes for work, with the thinking that you should dress for the job you want, not the one you have. And I’ll feel better knowing that I’m prepared to take on a great job when it decides to come my way. Plus the blazers I got are absolutely gorgeous. 

Little things are all I have right now. If $2 clothes make me feel better and more hopeful, it’s worth spending what little money I have left. 

Something is going to give. Some aspect of my life is going to improve soon, it just has to. I deserve good things. I deserve to be happy. Dammit, I deserve to be happy. 

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