Part of the Process

February 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

Disrupted sleep and dreams that try to resolve feelings are all totally normal parts of the healing process.

So, naturally and expectedly, I’ve been sleeping like shit (despite my 100mg of Trazodone and 5mg of melatonin) and when I do sleep, I have intense dreams about having a panic attack while riding a giraffe through crocodile-infested lakes or being pursued by someone new while my ex continues to haunt me with every sweet gesture or my best friend’s dad dying suddenly (she lost her uncle last year).

Part of the process.

To be expected.

Just have to let my subconscious work through things as it does.

Give it time.

All that jazz.

 

Also, I have a sinus infection. So that’s fun. And my dogs insist on sharing my tiny twin bed with me (one dog is ~50lbs the other is ~30lbs) which is also making sleeping more challenging than usual.

I’m having trouble concentrating on any one thing for very long (like 30min max) because of all the emotional stress and anxiety about finding a job (or my inability to). Even lying out on the beach, something I’ve loved since I was a teenager, can no longer hold my attention (you can’t focus enough to relax, kid? really?). I try alternating between looking at the water, walking on the sand, reading a book, and light dozing, but I can’t last an hour out there. The good news is I’ve only been sunburned once but the bad news is that I can’t actually relax enough to do something that I love.

Again, to be expected.

Give it time.

All that jazz.

I was so upset the day that I decided to retreat to the beach (it was Dad’s idea, actually) that I packed the most random things: my nicest blazer, a cotton dress, an odd assortment of tops, some dirty jeans, and about seven pairs of shoes. Thankfully, I did include my bathing suit but I’ve gained so much weight (over 150lbs now, I practically outweigh everyone in my family) I haven’t felt comfortable to wear it (despite the beach being almost completely empty most days), so I just wear the bottoms and a tank top when I go lay out. A hoodie or something to sleep in or a cardigan would all have been smart things to bring. Alas, when emotions and heartbreak take over packing is more something to get done quickly than something to be done right.

Again, to be expected.

Give it time.

All that jazz.

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