No Air

February 25, 2014 § Leave a comment

It’s weird how depression, anxiety, and heartbreak–all different mental and emotional situations–can lead to the same experience of desperately seeking solitude to collapse into a period of snot, hot tears, and hyperventilation. Somehow the smallest thing, something our brains prioritize almost above all other functions next to a heartbeat, becomes almost impossible as you gasp for air like a fish out of water, repeatedly trying to draw a breath yet oxygen seems just out of reach. Tears seem so hot, unnaturally hot, burning down your cheeks, and if you’re like me, you clench your jaws in determination to somehow fight past this, like stubbornness ever healed a broken heart. Like rational thought ever truly negated an emotional breakdown. 

I should go home soon. I should get back on my feet, resume my straining trudge forward. I should face the shattered life I’ve temporarily left behind and begin to pick up whatever pieces I think can be salvaged. Try to assemble them into a new, if somewhat haphazard and mismatched, mosaic of a life. Hopefully the breaks in my heart have healed over enough to not split open the second I step foot back in Birmingham as the past rushes in on me like the waves breaking on dunes.

Be a big girl, kiddo. Worse things have happened. You’ve been in worse situations before. Things have been worse. Things will be worse in the future. Gotta catch your breath, get a grip, clench your jaws, and power forward.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Catch your breath.

Dry your tears.

Stay strong and carry on.  


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