February 27, 2014 § Leave a comment

Woke up this morning feeling inspired. Well… kinda. Woke up way too early because my mother wakes up early which wakes the dogs up early which wakes me up early. This has been a consistent chain of events since I came to the beach but out of stubbornness, I now refuse to get out of bed any earlier than 6:00am even though I’m usually just lying there awake but groggy.

Anyway, once the grogginess cleared a bit with the help of a few strong cups of coffee, my brain set to whirring. I don’t want to make art just to sell it; I want to maintain my integrity as an artist. With that said, I’ve been chewing over the suggestion of a family friend that I make art to sell. I could always use the extra money and it could be an interesting venture if I take it seriously and don’t cop out as I have many times before. My main goal is to pursue my artistic interests but soften my aesthetic in these smaller works with the hopes that they will attract some attention to get my name out there a bit more in the Birmingham community which will hopefully give me a little money in my pocket to pay for my more serious art and develop a platform on which I can present my more serious art. If that makes sense.

I’ve been feeling so desperate lately, so unhappy. Anything that holds a glimmer of interest or hope or potential needs to be seized full-force whether that be a new hairstyle, buying clothes at a thrift store, or racking up more debt by purchasing art supplies. If it gives me hope, if it makes me hurt a little less, I’m going to fucking do it. I won’t always be in this state so I have no fear that this is going to become a habit. Right now, I need to feel better in whatever way I can.

The new art supplies should be delivered just after I get back to Birmingham, so that’s great timing. I’ve been brainstorming ideas, scouring etsy for inspiration, and taking lots of notes in my sketchbook so that I can hit the ground running once I get back. The studio needs to be cleaned up, unpacked, and organized before I can really get into it, but that’s okay. Shouldn’t take me very long. No more excuses, kid. Get your ass in gear and make some art.

In the meantime, I’m still applying to jobs and still getting lots of rejection. I don’t know why people keep job postings up when they already have selected the candidate they’re pretty sure they want. All that anxiety and excitement is wasted, leaving me feel worse than before I applied to the job. I’m still trying to volunteer at the local museum down here just for something to do, but so far not much response though I did meet the internship coordinator at their opening last week. I’m really struggling with the waiting game and I know that if I don’t get something to do soon, I might just lose my mind.

But for now, I’m riding on the desperate, fleeting wave of hopes and dreams that continue to beat futilely against the steep cliffs of reality. Maybe some lemmings are on the way…


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