Song of the Heart

March 15, 2014 § Leave a comment

Sometimes you hear songs at just the right time so you think they were written specifically for you. Jason Mraz’s “A Beautiful Mess” is one of those songs. So is “Say Something,” which I heard today. 

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

It’s been a weird day, probably because it’s my first day off from work so I don’t have any real distractions. I’d been dreading the weekend (and for good reason) not just since I’m alone all day but because weekends were Mark’s and my best days. I don’t know how other people deal with breakups, but I don’t just break up with the person, I break up with places and things too, the places and things that I closely associate with him. This morning I wanted to go to Waffle House for breakfast but just couldn’t bring myself to walk through the door. I went to Waffle House exclusively with Mark since we started dating.

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

There are other places, too. Ollie Irene was “our” restaurant, where we went to celebrate special occasions, holidays, or just to go. Our friends even knew it as our place, that’s how closely we as a couple were associated with that restaurant in our minds and the minds of others. I can’t bring myself to go to Good People either, even though I love the atmosphere and the freedom to bring my dogs if I choose. The baseball stadium is out too along with Mugshots. And I’ll probably always cringe whenever I try to order a bourbon old fashioned. 

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl 

I hope that eventually these feelings will fade since I’m planning on staying in Birmingham for a while. It would be nice to be able to go where I please, drink and eat what I want, without feeling the pain of what is lost. My brain is so weird — I even felt that pain at the beach which is odd because Mark and I never actually went to the beach together, but I always wanted to go with him and I thought about it so much that my brain now has a strong emotional association of Mark and the beach. Brains and hearts are a clusterfuck disaster. 

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

I’ve had a lot of time to myself today (though I did show an apartment this evening!), so my brain has been all over the place. I was reflecting on the month following my move back to Birmingham and how different things with Mark felt. Getting back together, trying again, was necessary but I think we were doomed to fail. We never could have recovered from my move to Texas. We couldn’t have come back from that, he was too hurt and things were too messy while we were dealing with me being in Dallas. I don’t think any amount of change in me could have erased the pain our history caused him. We tried again because we loved each other, but things were over when I kissed him goodbye the morning I left for Dallas. 

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

He told me so many times that we were star-crossed lovers and I guess I didn’t want to believe him. But now, looking back across our year and a half together, it’s crystal fucking clear that we absolutely are star-crossed lovers, always in the wrong place at the wrong time, never on the same page but always wanting to be, desperately in love and yet doomed to fail. It’s like the universe is specifically designed to break hearts. 

And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl 

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

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