Happiness and Hope

April 20, 2014 § Leave a comment

I had to drive to Tuscaloosa today (about 2 hours round trip) to get out of being arrested for third degree theft (a mere class A misdemeanor) which gave me a lot of time to mull over my mild obsession/fascination with weddings and marriage. Also, since you’re probably wondering, I stole anti-choice signs. Sometimes doing the right thing means breaking the law. 

Anyway, what I uncovered about myself on that drive in relation to weddings and marriage should have predicted, should have been perfectly clear from the start, yet it was still heartbreaking to realize. Weddings symbolize happiness and hope for me. 

I see them as this one day where you can truly be happy and carefree, surrounded by all your family and friends as you all bathe in the sweet rays of hope. Hope that this marriage will work out, hope that your two families will be happy, hope that you’ll never be alone again. A marriage to me represents a constant, a surety, that you will always have someone with you, supporting you, holding you, inspiring you. As someone who has moved around her whole life, that kind of constant is incredibly attractive, a source of stability amidst the chaos of life. And here you are, surrounded by everyone important to you, as someone commits their life to you, signs on to be there for you til death do you part. I can’t imagine how much happiness and hope people breath in on their wedding days.

There really isn’t anything comparable to it in my mind. Graduations are pretty happy but you’re so over school and ready to move on with your life by the time you get to cross the stage when you’re name is called that it isn’t really that exciting. You’re just thinking “God, when can I eat…” not “This is the start of my life!” 

Birthdays too, while they can be really fun, just don’t have the same glow about them that weddings do. My birthdays have been plagued by bad news (PhD rejection, job rejection, etc) and deaths. Kind of hard to celebrate living when life seems to suck. Plus they come around every year so it’s not like they’re really all that special. 

I’m sure there are other holidays or life events or some such thing that most people get a great amount of happiness out of but I can’t think of what they are and in my mind, they just don’t possess the unique qualities that a wedding has that makes it so appealing. 

The heartbreaking thing about this whole train of thought is that it reveals just how desperate I am to feel happy and hopeful about my life going forward. My dogs are a constant, but other than that, I’m my only source of daily stability. I cannot be the rock I stand on. I don’t have a solid, consistent, and present person to rely on. But I want one, desperately, especially as I realize how dramatically depression has effected my life and how much change I must go through to get healthy. My life, too, is incredibly directionless and unstable, heading in no particular direction and with seemingly no attainable goals, even one as meager as getting a job. 

I want to know the happiness that accompanies that overwhelming feeling of love and comfort that comes with weddings. I want to know happiness period. I want to see my friends and family happy, laughing and smiling at me instead of giving me worried, stressed, and concerned glances whenever I’m around them. I want them to be happy for me and hopeful for me. And I want to be happy for me and hopeful for me too. 

It’s not the wedding itself, it’s not the white dress and the flowers and the tuxes, it’s not the buffet and open bar or the disco ball over the dance floor. Weddings represent the two most unattainable things for me, my two deepest desires: Happiness and hope. 

What a sad, sad realization that is. I’m just sad. 

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