Try and Fail: Rinse and Repeat

April 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

I know rational people would probably disagree, but I feel like I’ve been bumping along rock bottom for the last few months. I feel like I keep trying and trying and trying to climb out of it but no matter what I do, I fail. 

Tried reaching out to Mark: FAILED

Tried reaching out to Kristi: FAILED

Tried to get a job x 40 (that’s about how many jobs I’ve applied to so far): FAILED

Tried to get healthy: FAILED

Tried to lose weight: FAILED (technically I did lose 5 lbs but then gained it all back)

Admittedly, I should have known I would fail with Mark and Kristi. They don’t want to talk to me. They don’t want me to be in their lives. And who can blame them? I’m a hot mess who brings down everyone around me. People don’t want to be around disasters like that. 

I’ve tried like hell to get a job. I’ve applied to so many jobs, but as Mark so succinctly pointed out: I’m still unemployed. My private school education doesn’t matter, my double major and grades don’t matter, no one cares about all my internships and extracurriculars and work experience. Everything I’ve done has added up to nothing. And it seems like no matter what I do, I can’t get past that, I can’t even earn the chance to build anything new. 

I tried to go to yoga this morning. I got dressed and everything but just couldn’t get out the door. Baby steps, right? Hopefully today I can motivate to go to zumba though right now I really don’t feel like it. I’d rather keep crying into my pizza. 

My brother recently left a comment, comparing me to my childhood hero: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buffy was always so strong in my eyes, so committed, responsible, persistent. She was so brave and resourceful, but still kind and thoughtful. And funny. She was so cute and funny. She’s everything I want to be, everything I’ve always wanted to be, but everything I’m not. I try so hard to be strong, to keep going, to keep trying to make my life better, but I just feel beaten down. I feel like an ultimate failure. 

I know I should keep trying. But today, I think the only thing I’m capable of is curling up in bed and waiting until a new day. 

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