Inspired to Be Inspired

April 22, 2014 § Leave a comment

Still no response from Kristi and Mark, so I told Kristi “nevermind” and said nothing to Mark. I can’t blame him at all for not wanting to be around all the baggage, drama, and depression that is me. He’s been there and done that and suffered for it. I shouldn’t have reached out to him in the first place — he deserves so much better. Kristi, though, I’m not too torn up over. I feel so much better when I’m around people who are positive, optimistic, and passionate. Kristi is none of those things. She complains about everything, from her job to her landlord to the way her pizza was made, but she never actually does anything to fix things for herself. Do I really want that kind of negativity in my life? It’ll just keep me tied to the old me, the me who complained all the time, was super judgmental, was overwhelmed by her depression.

I’m swallowing the embarrassment of my social failures and moving forward to find new friends, people who don’t know me well enough to know what a mess I am inside, people who won’t worry about me constantly, people who will inspire me to do more, embrace life, be inspired. And when I see them out in public (as I no doubt will because I’m getting involved with the museum again and Birmingham is just a tiny city in general), I’ll be able to hold my head up high knowing I at least tried, I reached out to them to try to mend our tattered bridges, and it’s their fault that things are awkward and uncomfortable because they didn’t want to try to work things out to an amicable state. They’ll have to deal with me being in their space because it’s my space too, dammit! And I’ll just ignore them because that’s what they seem to want.

I’ve found myself looking in surprising places for friends including people I’ve passed over before or judged too harshly in the past. I’m also pursuing new avenues for friendship by joining organizations, volunteering, and just putting myself out there in general.

To prepare myself for a new and better life, I’ve been working on my written meditation. It feels corny doing it, but if it’ll help me blossom out of my depressive mode into a person that people actually want to be around, then I’ll do it.

Here’s my working draft:

I will be an inspiring person. I will encourage others by supporting them and helping them, by learning about their lives, interests, talents, and passions. I will always give others the benefit of the doubt, giving them a chance to explain themselves and being compassionate towards them, validating their feelings while asserting my own. I will accept people as they are and will appreciate diversity for it is the spice of life. I will be curious about other people, not judgmental. I will try to brighten the day of everyone I meet, even if it just means holding a door open or giving someone a big smile. I will be patient and remember that not everyone thinks at my speed. I will not be competitive; instead, I will try to help others meet their goals as I pursue my own. I will try to do nice things for other people on a daily basis but especially on birthdays and holidays, or when they are having a tough time or a bad day. I will be patient with myself and accept that I will never be perfect. I will embrace my stage of life and find happiness in my daily activities. I will forgive myself for making mistakes, no matter how big or how stupid. I will seek to help others always.

I will love the body that I have and appreciate its unique qualities. I will love who I am because I know I am a good person.

I will live my life and love my life because I am alive for the first time, alive for the last time.

———————-

It’s a work in progress, but I feel good about it so far. I really hope it will change my mindset and approach to life. I’ll start copying it by hand three times a day tomorrow. For now, it’s med time/bedtime.

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