Still Going Strong, But…

July 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Jason and I are still going strong, but I’m remembering how awful it can be to be in love. He’s applying to grad school and is, as I’m sure you can imagine, incredibly stressed out. I don’t know what to say because everything everyone said to me when I applied to grad school didn’t make me feel better, it just made me want to scream or pull my hair out or both. One thing I’m very careful about not saying is “Of course you’ll get in!” Because I’ve learned time and time and time again that that’s complete bullshit, just like when people tell me “Of course you’ll get the job!” Why not say something helpful like, “You did your best! Now we wait.”

Part of what I hate about being in love is that aching feeling you have in your heart when you watch the person you love struggle or stress. I want him to get into this grad program soooo badly because I know how important it is to him, but I also know I can’t do a damn thing to help (more than I already have editing his essay, anyway) and if he doesn’t get in, he’s going to be devastated. What can I do to make him feel better? How can I handle watching the man I love suffer like that? What do I say?

I also hate being in love because I worry about him a lot. He bikes to work and refuses to wear a helmet despite my constant, incessant nagging. His pet name for me is “Bwana” because I’m so bossy sometimes. I also fuss at him for not eating as well as he should, but he doesn’t have a lot of options in the hospital cafeteria, so I guess I have to be patient with his eating habits until he gets a different job. We both hate the hospital hours since we almost never know when he’s actually going to get off, and it’s almost worse when he’s on call because we’re constantly on edge (or at least I am) that he’s going to get called in at any time. He got called in at 7:30am on Sunday. Bye bye brunch plans…

Of course, this isn’t to say that being in love isn’t worth the extra stress, anxiety, and potential heartbreak. It is totally fucking worth it. We also really couldn’t be a better match. He’s worked with mentally ill people in the past so he’s incredibly understanding of my condition and I’ve been very good about being open and honest about my status (still super healthy and happy, btw!) and why I react certain ways sometimes. He doesn’t get angry with me when I respond negatively to something, instead he lets me know he’s upset immediately and makes me talk through it with him. That’s just huge to me — he doesn’t let things build up until they explode, he keeps his temper in check, and he actually listens to me when I explain what’s going on in my messed up little brain. It really helps that he knows I’m trying to get better, there’s just more than a decade of damage that has to be overcome.

I could go on and gush about all the ways we’re perfect for each other, but I won’t bore you with that. I’m just incredibly relieved to have found someone who seems like just the man I’ve been looking for all these years. I’m meeting his family this weekend which makes me super nervous, but he said even if they don’t like me, it won’t change how he feels. That’s some reassurance, I suppose.

I’ve had a lot of subconscious anxiety about fucking this up though, mainly in regards to Mark. Obviously Mark and I are never going to get back together and I am 100% in this with Jason, but my subconscious seems overly concerned with an brief, but devastating, explosion of passion with Mark since our chemistry is so goddamn ridiculous. My dreams have been working through this in annoyingly crystal clear vividness and I wake up feeling guilty even though I know 1. that will never ever happen and 2. my dreams aren’t expressing a desire, they’re expressing a concern. I don’t want that with Mark, I just know from our history that sometimes when we’re around each other, the sparks between us are more like lightning bolts. I think that’s the only thing that would ruin things between Jason and I, which is likely why my brain is fixating on it. Depressives hold on to things that cause us pain, and the thing that would break me right now is to lose Jason, especially to lose him that way. God, he’s so damn wonderful, I really don’t want to fuck this thing up.

I really don’t want to fuck this thing up. If there’s a “one” for me, he’s it.

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